Did you hear the one about.......
The 5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship
1. It is important that a woman helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a woman makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a woman you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a woman is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is really important that these four women don't know each other.
A crusty old Navy Chief found himself at a gala event downtown hosted by a local
liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in
attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Are you this way all the time or is something bothering you?"
" No, nothing is bothering me," he said,
"I'm just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at all his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief’s short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy
yourself." He just stared at
her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You
know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex.?"
The Chief looked at her and replied,
She said, "Well there you go. You
really need to relax and quit taking everything so seriously.
I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch,
said in his most matter-of-fact voice, "Oh,
I don't know. It's only 2130
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
A BUM, WHO OBVIOUSLY
HAS SEEN MORE THAN HIS SHARE OF HARD TIMES, APPROACHES A WELL-DRESSED
GENTLEMAN ON THE STREET. "HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO
GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE
"NO SIR, I DON'T
DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM.
GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE
"NO WAY, I DON'T
FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM.
WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE, WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN.
SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT".
SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?"
SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS."
THE MAN ASKS THE BUM
IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM
ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY
ARE HEADING FOR THE
MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM.
"ISN'T YOUR WIFE
GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEES A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?"
"PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Because I am your Father and I said so!"
God replied, wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and
He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down
and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET
A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Interesting History Facts...
couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern
not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at the next day.
next day at
, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate,
remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you
in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in
my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an
affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began
searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out
onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by
his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto
the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But
wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his
fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a
rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped
it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The
excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel
announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the
few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need
to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! 'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
The man says, 'OK, but you're not going to believe this shit. Picture this.
I'm naked inside this refrigerator....'
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours
and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted
after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to
blister and in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours,
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Why Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding Plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,in 45 minutes
we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are...
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are... "I apologize" and "you are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the
other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; we just borrow it while we're here....even our kids.
12. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker
1. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish.
2. I feel sorry for people who
don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going
to feel all day.-- Frank Sinatra
3. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.-- Ernest Hemingway
4. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny Youngman
5. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?-- Stephen Wright
6. When we drink, we get buzzed. When we get buzzed, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!-- Brian O'Rourke
7. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin Franklin
8. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
9. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
10. Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
11. To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support Group.
12 Helping white men dance forever.
Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel
Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up
in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand.
Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance:
1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem... kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest... kick their ass.
3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all
veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these
Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices
these Veterans made to make this Nation great.
Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
4) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing camouflage, telling others
that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in
the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).
6) If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non-military, inform them of their mistake...
and kick their ass.
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper... it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.
8) Next time Old Glory goes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing
your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her... of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.
9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. Just mention her nomination for
"Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.
10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all
bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. The President is our Commander in Chief regardless
of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where
all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me. If she did, she would most likely be a vet
and, therefore, could kick your ass!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And
stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me
... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their ass.
13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy), etc., are terms of endearment
we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right
to use them. Doing so will get your ass kicked.
14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their
families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could
be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without
them, our country would get its ass kicked.
A fellow called the other day and wanted to know if I'd
heard the story about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove
several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer pa.
It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."
is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy
Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines!
A Retired army general ran into his former orderly, also retired, at the Delaware Park Casino and spent the rest of the afternoon persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
“Your duties will be the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it-you’ll catch on again fast and I’ll pay you much more than you were paid in the army.”
The next morning promptly at six o’clock,
the ex-orderly entered the general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the
general a gentle shake, quickly walked to the other side of the bed, slapped the
generals wife on her ass and said, “Okay, sweetheart, it’s back to the
village for you!”
doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news!"
"The good news is Saddam is still alive."….."The bad news is he lost an arm..."
we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who
is not his wife. So,
next Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
all of the talk of this war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists"
who will try and convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against
the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001, and those who support