Del Vets Humor Page 1

Did you hear the one about.......

The 5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship

    1. It is important that a woman helps you around the house and has a job.

    2. It is important that a woman makes you laugh.

    3. It is important to find a woman you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

    4. It is important that a woman is good in bed and loves making love to you.

    5. It is really important that these four women don't know each other.

 

            A crusty old Navy Chief found himself at a gala event downtown hosted by a local liberal arts college.

            There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation.  She said, "Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Are you this way all the time or is something bothering you?"   " No, nothing is bothering me," he said,  "I'm just serious by nature."

            The young lady looked at all his awards and decorations and said,  "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."  The Chief’s short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

            The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,  "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."  He just stared at her in his serious manner.

            Finally the young lady said,  "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,  but when is the last time you had sex.?"

            The Chief looked at her and replied,  "1955"

            She said, "Well there you go.  You really need to relax and quit taking everything so seriously.  I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

            The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his most matter-of-fact voice,  "Oh,  I don't know.  It's only 2130 now!"

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
 

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 
Older lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for reckless driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.
Older lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license,that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older lady: I bet he told you I was speeding, too

 

A BUM, WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS SEEN MORE THAN HIS SHARE OF HARD TIMES, APPROACHES A WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN ON THE STREET. "HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO BUCKS?" 

THE WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE YOU?" 

"NO SIR, I DON'T DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM. 

"YOU AREN'T GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE GENTLEMAN. 

"NO WAY, I DON'T FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM. 

"YOU WOULDN'T WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE, WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN. 

"NEVER", SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT". 

"YOU WOULDN'T SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?" 

"OH NO", SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS." 

THE MAN ASKS THE BUM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY

ARE HEADING FOR THE MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM. 

"ISN'T YOUR WIFE GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEES A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?" 

"PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.


After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!"
God replied, wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and
He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own
.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down
    and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home
.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET
A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

 

Interesting History Facts...

 
 
A must read..
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
 
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
 
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
 
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.! It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
 
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. 
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
 
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."
 
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all! start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
 
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Everyday they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
 
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
 
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
 
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
 
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
 
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take
the bones to a "bone-house" or "bone-yard", and reuse the grave. When reopening these! coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

 

 

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota .  The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.  The wife likes to read.  One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  

 

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.  She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.  

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.  What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")  "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. 

It's likely she can also think

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
 
The waiter says, "Sure, chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
 
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
 
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
 
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."


It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.  The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died.  The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
                     

The next day at 12:01 , the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
                      

'No problem,' the man says.  'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.  I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.  Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!  The nerve of that guy!  Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.  In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.  Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
                      

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day.  It was a crime of passion.  So, the angel announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and lets him in.
                       

A few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
                     
The man says, 'No problem.  But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! 'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony.  It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
                     
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.  'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself.  'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and he lets the man enter.
                     
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate.  The angel is warming up to his task.  'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.' 

 

The man says, 'OK, but you're not going to believe this shit.  Picture this.

I'm naked inside this refrigerator....'

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours,
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs.
"

Why Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding Plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,in 45 minutes

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are...

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. 
    If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are...   "I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?  How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!    You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the
     other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important.      Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.     Statistics show most people      don't live to spend all they saved;      some die even before they retire.      Anything we have isn't really ours;   we just borrow it while we're here....even our kids.

12. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends.     You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere..
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?  
16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter....
      I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS  TO YOU OR NOT!
20. Funny, I don't remember being, . . . absent minded...

 

Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker 

1. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish.

2. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.-- Frank Sinatra

3. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.-- Ernest Hemingway

4. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny Youngman

5. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?-- Stephen Wright

6. When we drink, we get buzzed. When we get buzzed, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we    commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!-- Brian O'Rourke

7. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin Franklin

8. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

9. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

10. Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

11. To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support Group.

12 Helping white men dance forever.    

Military Rules for the Non-Military Personnel

Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up
in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand.
Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance:

1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem...     kick their ass.

2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest... kick their ass.

3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all
veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these
Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices
these Veterans made to make this Nation great. 
Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.

4) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing camouflage, telling others
that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in
the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).

6) If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non-military, inform them of their mistake...
and kick their ass.

7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper... it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.

8) Next time Old Glory goes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing
your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her... of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.

9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. Just mention her nomination for
"Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.

10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all
bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. The President is our Commander in Chief regardless
of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where
all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)

11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me. If she did, she would most likely be a vet
and, therefore, could kick your ass!

12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And
stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me
... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their ass.

13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy), etc., are terms of endearment
we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right
to use them. Doing so will get your ass kicked.

14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their
families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could
be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without
them, our country would get its ass kicked.

A fellow called the other day and wanted to know if I'd heard the story about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door.  A young boy, about 12 opened the door.
 "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.
 "No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer pa.
 It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

This is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? 
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines!

YYYY

 

A Retired army general ran into his former orderly, also retired, at the Delaware Park Casino and spent the rest of the afternoon persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

            “Your duties will be the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it-you’ll catch on again fast and I’ll pay you much more than you were paid in the army.”

            The next morning promptly at six o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, quickly walked to the other side of the bed, slapped the generals wife on her ass and said, “Okay, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”

 

XXXX 

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news!"
"The good news is Saddam is still alive."….."The bad news is he lost an arm..."

 

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
 
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
 
One man was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old hole.
 
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
 
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
 
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
 
"Well, we work for the government  and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
 
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
 
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy.  I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree,  and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
 
Elmer's job's been cut...  so now it's just me an' Leroy"

OR

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So,
next Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

or

With all of the talk of this war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001, and those who support terror. 

These activists may be alone or in a gathering, most of us don't know how to react to them.  When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette: 

1.    Listen politely while this person explains their views.  Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.  They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence.  They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian. 

2.    In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose. 

3.    When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful. 

4.    Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter.  Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution.  Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying. 

5.    Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct. 

6.    As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder.  Square in the nose. 

7.    Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.

8.    There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people.  It is unacceptable and must be dealt with.  Perhaps at a high cost.

We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children.  We must support them and our leaders at times like these.  We have no choice.  We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose. 

Lesson over, class dismissed!

or

My favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is the one that says 'First Iraq, then France'." -Tom Brokaw

"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France." -Jay Leno

"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam is a threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rollin thru Paris with a German Flag on it." -Dave Letterman

 ......and my all time favorite! Why are all the highways in France lined with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade!!!

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage. -unknown

France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France. -Mark Twain

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.  -Ted Nugent

The only way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army

Q. How do you stop a french Tank?         A. Shoot the guy pushing.

Q. how many frenchman does it take to defend paris.         A. We don't know, it's never been tried.

The best French bashing line heard over the last week is: "We can count on the French to be there when they need us."