Del Vets Humor

 Page 4

Never...

 
Never hold your farts in...
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where you get shitty ideas from.

 

Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be... here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
 
1. Radio was invented. (Cubs fans get to hear their team lose)
 
2. TV was invented. (Cubs fans get to see their team lose)
 
3. Baseball added 14 teams. (Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs)
 
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th,80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
 
5. Halley's comet passed Earth - twice.
 
6. Harry Caray was born... and died. Incredible, but true!
 
7. The NBA, NHL, NFL, IHL, and ISL were formed. 
(Each of those Chicago teams have  won championships)
 
8. Man landed on the moon. (As have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers)
 
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected .
 
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
 
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
 
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures. The latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
 
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
 
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. (Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down)
 
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympic games have been held.
 
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown. (Several thanked Cubs pitchers)
 
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back in.
 
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
 
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games. (They lost the majority of them)
 
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the Union.
 
Go Cubs!

 

Classes Tonight - Please Sign Up

Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up by October 30th.
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

TOPIC 1- HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
   
Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
   
Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
   
Group Practice.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
   
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
   
Examples on Video.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY : LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.         Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. 
    Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR  HEALTH.
   
Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
   
Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?           Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
   
Online classes and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
   
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
   
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

TOPIC 14 - CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
   
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so that they can be easily found.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.

 

BUMPERS STICKERS FOR LADIES --

BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

 

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish Captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
 
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
 
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
 
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
 
"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
 
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese......doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
 
There's a few minutes of silence.
 
"No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.
 
"Why not?" asks the captain.
 
"Jews sink Titanic."
 
"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!"
 
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah......all same!"

 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads.
We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.


When one of these women gets married, on her wedding, the husband
scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a
gas station, or a motel in Florida.

 

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this Worlds-First Women-Only parking lot in Minnesota.




A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his
computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him

he would now need to choose and enter a password.
 
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try
for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

 

 

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.



After fifty, they are like onions."



"Onions ???"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."



A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.



In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.



After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree ???"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only." 

                                                    
**********************************

A.A.A.D.D.  

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before  I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

The body's willing, but........

 

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. 
They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. 
After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No".
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again. 
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. 
This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
 

Corporate Lesson 7

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.  
While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.  
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!  
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came
to investigate. 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
1..Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  
2..Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3.. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

 

The Fountain of Youth

Two 80 something year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."

The second then asked, "can you get it over the counter."

"You probably could, if you took two pills", said the first man.

 

Operator 28

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to his Daughter in California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call all over.

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here.

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringing it to ya!"

 

About Three Knots

An old man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs.
After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, Honey?"
She replies, "About three nots."
He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"
She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!"

 

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

 9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

 6. It's ok when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,    because you are.

 5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

 4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

 3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

 2. Less guilt the morning after.

 1. You can do the whole neighborhood.