05/01/2008

Del Vets Humor

 Page 5

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town,
"What a peaceful and loving couple."
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to
the secret of their long and happy marriage.
 
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom
of the canyon by pack mule.
 
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
 
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
 
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
 
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
 
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule,
when she looked at me and quietly said...'That's once.'
And we lived happily ever after .....

 

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

 

Bumper sticker of the year

"If you can read this -                THANK A TEACHER !"
"If you're reading it in English - THANK A VETERAN !"

Public Servants 

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million bucks for his memoirs.
Hillary Clinton got $8 million for hers.
Do you realize that is $20 million dollars for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

 

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

 

Exercise for Seniors

 
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building
our arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen!
Three days a week works well.
 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.
 
Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
 
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
 
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-lb.potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack
in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
 
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes
in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it

 

What is Old?
 
"OLD" IS WHEN.....Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" 
 
"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
 
"OLD" IS WHEN....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 
"OLD" IS WHEN.....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by...the doctor instead of by the police.
OLD" IS WHEN....."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. 
 
OLD" IS WHEN....."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. 
 
"OLD" IS WHEN.....An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. 
 

 

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
 
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
 
Think before you continue reading...
 
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
 
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
 
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
 
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
 
However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

 

Why Athletes Can't (Shouldn't) Have Real Jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
 "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And,
"You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
  (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
 "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

  Be careful. Here's a brand new approach to an old scam which has popped up in our area.

A young woman approaches at a stoplight and begins to wash your car window while you wait at the intersection. At the same time another one opens your back door and steals everything she can grab.

Don't leave packages visible in back seat. If your windows get washed, don't get distracted and look at them.

Attached are photos taken during one the stops. Please inform your friends of this new scam.

They got me four times yesterday at the same intersection.

Scroll down

 
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"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, ! Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age
and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If  you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have
moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.

It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!

Newspaper headlines in the year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

 

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. In most cases, warnings are added as the result of someone attempting to use the product in that manner. 
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."  
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."  (The shoplifter special?) 
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."  (As opposed to irregular soap?)
 
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." 
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."  (Too late.) 
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." 
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." 
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." 
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." 
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."  (As opposed to...what?) 
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."   (?????) 
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." 
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." 
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."  (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers
came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3".
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"