Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you
were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
Bumper sticker of the year
you can read this -
THANK A TEACHER !"
"If you're reading it in English - THANK A VETERAN !"
Bill Clinton is getting $12
million bucks for his memoirs.
Hillary Clinton got $8 million for hers.
Do you realize that is $20 million dollars for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Exercise for Seniors
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
Why Athletes Can't (Shouldn't) Have Real Jobs
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And,
"You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by
Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
Be careful. Here's a brand new approach to an old scam which has popped up in our area.
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:
sporting events, during the playing of
National Anthem, Old Geezers hold their
caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words
in them. Old Geezers remember World
War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, ! Normandy
and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the
and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and
they don't like any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have
moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more
Thank God for Old Geezers!
Newspaper headlines in the year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
While driving along the back roads of a small
town, two truckers
came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3".
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"