05/01/2008

Del Vets Humor

 Page 6

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

"Reasonable Doubt"!!!!!!!!

In a courtroom in Oklahoma, a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally, the lawyer says, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty. The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns, and jury foreman pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman answers, "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

 

Air Force One arrived last week at Heathrow airport in England and  President Bush and the First Lady get a warm welcome and a dignified handshake from the Queen

They are then escorted to their ride, the Queen's 1935 Bently, and are driven to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th. century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they make their way towards Buckingham Palace, they wave to thousands of cheering Britons.  All is going well when suddenly one of the rear horses lets loose with the most horrendous farts ever heard.  The smell was unbelievably revoltingly foul.  The President and Mrs. Bush and the Queen had to use their handkerchiefs over their noses.  Although all did their best to ignore the incident the Queen turns to President Bush and says, "Please accept my apology.  I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

The President Smiled and replied,  "Your Majesty, don't give the matter another thought...If you had not mentioned it I would have thought it was one of the horses."

 

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.  Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. 
The salary package is $200,000 a year.". 
The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man!" 
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

 

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that One enjoys it?


There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

 

 
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the  other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
 
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
 
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
 
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
 
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
 
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
 
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
 
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
 
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
 
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
 
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .. they're cramming for their final exam.
 
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
 
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
 
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
 
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
 
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
 
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
 
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

 

A recent study has shown that women dream of world peace, eliminating world hunger, and a safe environment.
Men, on the other hand, dream of being stuck in an elevator with Pamela Anderson, Sandra Bullock, Faith Hill, or Shania Twain.

 

   Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. he doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 and gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

   The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says. "OK, now what.?"

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: "Could you please pass the butter?"  But instead said, " you silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, " Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
T
he man then stands and replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

 

Two men are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with you mother!"
The bar gets quite as everyone stops to see what the other guy will do.
The first guy again yells, "I slept with you mother!"
The other guy stands up slowly, walks over to the guy that insulted him and says, " Go home Dad, you're drunk."

   A man was bitten by a rabid dog. I went to see how he was, and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said "Will! What will?  I'm making a list of people I want to bite.

    There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state Governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
    As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this?  Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
    While he was getting his bath ready the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
     Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.  As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
    "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?

 

A woman goes into a pharmacy: 

Woman: I'd like some arsenic please... 

Pharmacist: That's dangerous stuff. What do you want it for? 

Woman: I want to use it to kill my husband. 

Pharmacist: I can't supply you with arsenic to kill your husband! That's totally outrageous.

The Woman then puts on the counter a photograph.

The photograph is of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...

Pharmacist: Oh, I didn't realize that you had a prescription!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey!  The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. No there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented.  it was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....  and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly  than the US Treasury.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can;   women can hear better.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. 
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.  Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.  So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.  It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.  When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.  "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

  At least 75% of people who read this
  will try to lick their elbow.

    A scientist at Texas A&M University research has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
 
   After the news conference announcing the invention the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys who kicked the shit out of him

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but Is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This Also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute. Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in Tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this
happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But not as great as Guam!)

Dear Abby,
 
I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love."

 

It offered advice to grandparents with respect to misbehaving grandchildren whose own parents let them run wild.

 

I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture  demonstrating the technique I employ on my grandson when he just won't behave.

 

His parents do not allow me to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.
 
Sincerely,
 
Tough Love Grandpa

 

 

A PLAN FOR PEACE



Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan...  what we need now is for our UN
Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace.  So, here's one plan:

1)    The US will apologize to the world for our interference" in their affairs, past & present.  We will promise never to "interfere" again.

2)   We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, and the Philippines.  They don't want us there.  We would station troops at our borders.  No more sneaking through holes in the fence.

3)   All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.  We'll give them a free trip home.  After 90 days, the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are.  France would welcome them.

4)   All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90-day visits unless given a special
permit.  No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in.  If you don't like it there, change it
yourself, don't hide here.  Asylum would not ever be available to anyone.  We don't need any more cab
drivers.

5)   No "students" over age 21.  The older ones are the bombers.  If they don't attend classes, they get
a "D" and it's back home, baby.

6)   The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise.  This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.  The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7)   Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil.  If they don't like it, we go someplace else.

8)   If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement, or whatever they need.  Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army.  The people who need it most get very little, anyway.

9)   Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place.  We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.  Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

9b) Use the buildings as replacement for the twin towers.

10)  All Americans must go to charm and beauty school.  That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'  She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

- Robin Williams

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye  and said, 'Well, I'm off now.  The man should be here soon'.
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain', Mrs. Smith cut in, 'I've been expecting you'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good  Did you know babies are my specialty?'
Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there'.
 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am. none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results'.

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that'.
'Don't I know it
', said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.  'This was done on the top of a bus',
he said.
'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her neckerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well... when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with'.
'She was difficult?
' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'.
'Four and five deep?
' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied.  'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'.
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. 
 
Well, if you're ready...I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away'. 'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long... Ma'am?  Ma'am?   Good Lord, she's fainted!'