05/01/2008

Del Vets Humor

 Page 8


A young man named Tim received a parrot as a gift. 

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 

 

Tim tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, Tim was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. 

 

Tim shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

 

Tim, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the Bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Tim quickly opened the door to the freezer. The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Tim's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." 

 

Tim was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

 

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued…

"May I ask what the turkey did ???" 

 

  There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll.! .......

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003.

 

TIME OFF

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you will do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? 
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? "Home '!..." I can't work in the dark". :-}

 

 


 

    A young fellow from Delaware moves to California and goes to an exclusive  "Everything under one roof mall to look for a job.  The manager asks, "What type of sales experience do you have?"  The young guy says, "Well, I was a used car salesman back home in Delaware".
    The manager handed the kid the employee benefit booklet and said, "You start tomorrow morning, I'll stop in after closing and see how you did."
    His first day on the job was tough, he was exhausted but he got through it. After the mall was locked up, the manager came in. "So, how many sales did you make today?" he asked.
    "Just one", he said.
    "Only one!  You made only one sale?  Our sales people average 40 to 50 sales per day.  How much was the sale for?"
    "$89,501.37" the kid replied.
    "You took in $89,501.37!  What in heavens name, did you sell?" the surprised boss exclaimed.
    "Well, I sold a guy a pack of fish hooks. Then I sold him a few lures. then I sold him a couple of fishing rods. Then I sold him a fishfinder and GPS. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said, out in the bay, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Grady White.  Then he said that he didn't think his old pick-up would pull it, so I took him over to the truck dealership and sold him a new Silverado 4X4."
    The boss asked, "A guy came in here to buy a pack of fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
    The kid says, "No Sir, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."
    
     

Did you know... While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.  

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost......

 

    ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, " THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"  WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
    BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
    MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
    HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY iN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. 
    OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.  
    ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
    MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
    IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
    HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
    HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
    AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
    SEX! YOU WANT SEX?....YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

My Favorite Cookie Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolut Vodka
 

Sample the Absolut to check quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the Absolut again, to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar, beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Absolut is still OK, try another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in 1 cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor... mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Absolut to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something.
Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Absolut.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add 1 table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolut and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

 

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?  
The following truisms may shed some light:
     Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
     Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
     Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
     Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.
     Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel   between tournaments.
     Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
     Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which
     they play.
     When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.
     The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
     You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.
     You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.  If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
     In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
     Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
     Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
     Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
     Golf doesn't have free agency.
     In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
     You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
     At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
     Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.
     Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.


 And Finally :
     Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.
 Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?
 During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.  By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

 

In the beginning God created the world and rested
Then God created man and rested
Then God created woman, since then neither God nor man rested.

 

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

All you have to do is be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father figure

6. a teacher

7. an educator

8. a cook

9. a gardener

10. a carpenter

11. a driver

12. an engineer

13. a mechanic

14. an interior decorator

15. a stylist

16. a sex therapist

17. a gynecologist/obstetrician

18. a psychologist

19. a psychiatrist

20. a therapist

21. a good father

22. a gentleman

23. well organized

24. tidy

25. very clean

26. athletic

27. affectionate

28. affable

29. attentive

30. ambitious

31. amenable

32. articulate

33. bold

34. brave

35. creative

36. courageous

37. complimentary

38. capable

39. decisive

40. intelligent

41. imaginative

42. interesting

43. prudent

44. patient

45. polite

46. passionate

47. respectful

48. sweet

49. strong

50. skillful

51. supportive

52. sympathetic

53. tolerant

54. understanding

55. someone who loves shopping

56. someone who doesn't make problems

57. someone who never looks at other women

58. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:

59. are neither jealous nor disinterested

60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than

with her

 61. give her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

 ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:

62. Not forget the dates of:

*Anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)

* graduation

* birthday

* menstruation

NOW HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Let him play with your tits

 

Dear Friend,

As always, when I need advice or counsel I turn to my oldest most trusted friends. I do this because I know you will always be candid and honest with me. I need your opinion on something that has been bothering me for some time now. I am counting on you so please
don't let our long lasting friendship influence your answer. Thanks in advance.


Does this bikini make my butt look too big???

 


NURSING HOME
    One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
    The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
    Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
    This goes on all morning.
    Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you pass gas."

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. 
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered..."I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. 
The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said,
"Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards, instead of your collar.

 


    Two golfers were waiting their turn at the ninth hole when a shapely naked woman ran across the fairway, through a sand trap and into the woods.  Two men in white coats and another one carrying a bucket of sand in each hand were chasing her, and a little old man who appeared out of breath was bringing up the rear.
    One of the golfers shouted to the old man as he trotted by, "What the hell is going on?"
    The old guy panted and said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the nut house, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."
    The golfer said, "So what's with the guy with the buckets of sand?"
    The old guy looked back and wheezed, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time".

 

Remember this?

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
  
(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls," 

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

(11)  "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now"
     
(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
   
(14) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

(1
5) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

(
16) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
 
(17) "I guess taking a vacation is out of the question now days. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(1
8) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

 

Letter from a farm kid, now at Parris Island Marine Corps Recruit Depot

Dear Ma and Pa,
    I'm doin' OK.  Tell brother Bobby Joe and Charlie that the Marine Corps beats workin' for old man Wentzel by a mile.  Tell em' to join quick before maybe all the spots are filled.  I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I'm a gettin' so I like to sleep late.
    Tell Bobby Joe and Charlie all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some stuff.  No hogs to slop, hay to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or milkin'.  Men got to shave but it ain't so bad, there's warm water.
    Breakfast is strong on trimmings, like different kinds of juices, cereal, bacon & eggs, pancakes and other stuff, but a bit weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, grits, cake, pie and other regular food.  But tell Bobby Joe and Charlie you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee.  Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.  It ain't no wonder why these city boys can't walk much.  We go on "force marches", which the Gunny Sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it ain't my place to tell him no different. Shoot!, a "force march"   ain't no farther than it is from our mailbox to the cabin.  Then the city boys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.  The country is nice, but awful flat.  Ain't no good dirt for growin' much.
    The Gunny is like a schoolteacher.  He nags some.  The Captain is like the school board.  Major and Colonels just ride in a truck-like thing called a "Hummer".  They don't bother you none.
    The next will kill cousin Elwood with laughing.  I keep gettin' medals for shootin'. I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is five times as big as a turkey's head and it don't move.  It's really easy, all you have to do is lie on the ground all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own bullets.  The come in little metal boxes.
    Then we have what they are callin' hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they get ta painin' real easy.  It ain't nothin' like fighten' with that ole bull back home.
    I'm about the best they got at this except for that Willie Kranz from over the mountain at Krigger's pond.  He joined up the same time as me.  But I'm only 5'8" and 120 lbs. and he's 6'6" and weighs nearly 240 lbs.
    Be sure to tell Billy Joe and Charlie to hurry up and get to joinin' before other fellers hear about this and comes stampedin' in.

Your loving daughter,
Sue

Ocean Puzzle below is a men only Eye Test: