Del Vets Humor

 Page 9

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he thought he would tell her a joke as he put on his gloves." Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked." No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a place in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all sizes dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves."
She didn't crack a smile.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" 

The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. 
As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you," Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute 
he didn't dare breathe.
Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, 
he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard,
 "Jesus is watching you."
This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, 
the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room, and noticed a birdcage in the corner. 
Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage. "Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar.
"Yes, I am," said the parrot.
"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?'" asked the man.
"Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot.
By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare him.
"What's your name?" asked the burglar.
"Moses," the parrot said.
"Hah," the man said, guffawing. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."

 

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. 
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year...that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I have not heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument!

Blondie 


A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender.
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ???"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says...
"Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke ???"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares...
" Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Answering machine messages you may use if you wish

1. Neither my wife nor I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. 'A' is for academics, 'B' is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. 
    If you are my parents, please send money.

    If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
    If you are my friends, you owe me money. 
    If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am {insert your name} answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. 
    If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

8. Hi! My answering machine is broken. This is my refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. 
    My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. 
   
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. 
    If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. 
    After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now or carving up a steak for the pit bull and the rottweiller, and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message.
    However, you have the right to remain silent.
    Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. "Hello and thanks for calling the "Suicide Hot Line". At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain...."

16. "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.  I am making a few changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep.  If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


Jokes for St. Paddy's Day

 

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor.
"Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things go.
"A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went.
"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible doctor!"
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping me clothes and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!"
"What was so 'terrible'" said the doctor. "Was the sex not Good?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show me face in Callahan's pub again."

 

    Paddy Murphy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
    Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says;
    "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener yer lookin' at!"

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. 
 "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.  "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
 "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand" 
 "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 
 "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" 
 "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
 
 

 =============================================== 
 Paddy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course,  his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the  driver, where have ya been?" 
     "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.  "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite  a few to drink this evening." 
     "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 
     "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and  folding his arms across his chest, "that a few  intersections  back, your wife fell out of your car?" 
 "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." 
======================================================= 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". 
 "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 
 "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 
 "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."  
 "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." 
 Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of 
 Guinness Stout and drowned." 
 "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did 
 he at least go quickly?" 
 "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee." 

 ================================================== 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So 
 what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
 She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 
 The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
 She says, "That he did, Father." 
 The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, 
 "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' 
 ==================================================== 
 
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either." 
 

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fly upside down have crack up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who make love to woman on hill not on level.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

During a trial, in a small East Kentucky town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked,
    "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. 

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
     "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The young man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
    Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
    Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".

3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
    Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? 
   
Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. 
    I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. 
    I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
    Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look
in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

6. Andy Rooney on cripes; 
    My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

7. Rooney on Grandma 
    My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.

 

    One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
    When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said,  "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
    So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
    When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving but 5% are being good."
    God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?
(scroll down)




















Yea! I thought so, I didn't get one either !!!

The Perfect Marriage:

    Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
    She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
    We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
    I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested the kitchen.
    We always hold hands.
    If I let go, she shops.
    She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
    She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
    So I bought her an electric chair.

    My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
    She told me "In the lake."
   She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
    Then the mud fell off.
    She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
    The driver said "No, jump in!"
    Remember:
    Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
    I married Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
    I don't like to interrupt her.
    The last fight was my fault.
    My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
    I said "Dust!"
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
California?  Oregon?  Switzerland? 
 
Here is what really happened.

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.  
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. 
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs
and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. 
"He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."
So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. 
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. 
Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant.
She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.
Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone,
she broke into tears..."How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"
she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you!  You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out,

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO." 

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

	A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. 
	She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the 
	wall.
	She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the 
	room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
	The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
	The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused.
	The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" 
	"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
	The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to 
	jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.
	He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today.
 

Subject: Spiders in Texas...

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? " she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? " she asked .
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs? " the little girl asked .
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, New York, or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.............It reads 

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." 

So, I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. There were many. I was ashamed. 
So, today I have already finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Baileys, my Prozac, a large box of chocolates and a quart of beer. You have no idea how good I feel. 

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

 

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy!

    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
    The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
    Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
    The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
    The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
    "Clean my house."

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...."HEBREWS "

 

      The steps at the Philadelphia City Hall need some repairs so bids are taken from contractors from across the state. First a contractor from Pittsburgh looks it over.  After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. I can do it for $9,000, he says. I'll need $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.
      Next a contractor from Scranton does his measuring and calculating then says,I'll do it for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.
      Last a Brother from North Philly steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $27,000.   Surprised at how high it is,  Mayor Street, taking the bids asks him to explain it.
     It's simple, he says.  $10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the cracker from Scranton

 

    Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF.
    A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;
1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)
    The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"
    The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.  The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"
    Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camped out in the desert, tents are set up, and are asleep.
some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend Tonto, looks up at the sky and says "tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that  there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it  appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's  evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."

 

A DelVets Thought:  "Even on the most exalted throne you are still sitting on nothing but your ass."

 

Did you know that when you have your head up your ass,
four of the five senses do not work!

 

    The old farmer thought that something, like mad cow disease, must had infected his favorite bull because it was ignoring the cows. He went to his veterinarian and the vet assured him that the aging bull only needed a little stimulation and offered a medication.
    The next day he was telling a neighbor about it.  "I gave that bull a dose of that medication and within 45 minutes he had serviced five cows."
    His neighbor asked what the medication was called and the old farmer replied. "I don't remember what it was called but it tasted like spearmint."

 

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes,
and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the 
side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. 
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. 
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table 
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning 
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened 
last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,drunk and delirious. 
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you 
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast 
is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the 
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, 
I'm married!"

a self-induced hangover - $100.00 
broken furniture - $200.00
breakfast - $10.00
saying the right thing - priceless

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot the little bastard.

 

 Do you remember...Over a generation ago, in 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their
day.   Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what
ultimately became of them. The answer:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of
the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What
became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was
financially secure at the time of his death.

The moral:

Screw work. Play golf. You'll live longer and be better off in the end.

 

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group andexplore the city on his own. 
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at aquaint pub to soak up the local 
culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no
restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls
surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't 
find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a 
wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,...anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass 
lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you ....is that "British Hospitality ?" 
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that's the French Embassy."
Senior moments 
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" 
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" 
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer." 
 
------------------------------------ 
 
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me 
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" 
"Twelve thirty." 
 
------------------------------------ 
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days latyer the doctor
saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. Aa couple days later 
the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "get a hot mamma and be cheerful".
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be Careful'."
------------------------------------ 
 
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard 
his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the 
wrong way on I95. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
-------------------------------- 
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by 
the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much
in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." 
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
----------------------------------- 

I want to die like my grandfather - peacefully in his sleep,
not screaming like the other passengers in his car.