05/01/2008         

Del Vets Humor

 Page 10

Anyone who starts a sentence, "With all due respect....."
is about to insult you

 

 
          
                             Life is all about ass; 
                                  you're either covering it, 
                                          laughing it off, 
                                             kicking it, 
                                              kissing it, 
                                              busting it, 
                                  trying to get a piece of it, 
                                      or behaving like one.

 

1. Only in America....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
 

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
 

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
 

4. Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
 

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
 

6. Only in America.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
 

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
 

8. Only in America.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. ( I have always wondered about this too.)
 

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
 

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 

EVER WONDER
 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
 

Why didn't Noah swat those two Mosquitoes?
 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
 

A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Lower Cajun. 'I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself', so he made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Cajun.

Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Each of da trees is dirty now! So its dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One 'hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one 'hundred. So when I start?"

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?



If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.



Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%



But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%



And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%



AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,

And, Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

 

 

A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!
 
Her dress is green and very short,  with matching shiny emerald green shoes. 

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
 
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers... "Is that Nookie Green?" 

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!" 

 

 
Not a woman alive today that won't crack up over this one !
 
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist.
 
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am.  I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
 
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.  So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.  I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
 
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
 
I  was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.  After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
 
The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.  After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth ?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied..."No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

 

World's thinnest  Books
        ~~@~~


      
  FRENCH WAR HEROES
        by Jacques Chirac


     
 HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY  
        by Jane Fonda

        
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
        by Janet Reno


       
 HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
        by John Denver


        
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS  
        by Dan Marino


        
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL  
        by Hillary Clinton


        
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
        by Osama Bin Laden


        
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
        by Bill Gates

        
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
        
by Dennis Rodman

        
MY WILD YEARS
        by Al Gore


        
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

        
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

        DETROIT: a Travel Guide

        
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
        by Dr. J. Kevorkian


                
TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE
        by Ellen de Generes


        
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
        by Mike Tyson

        SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
        by the EPA

        
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

        
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
        by O. J. Simpson

       
 And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .......

        MY BOOK OF MORALS

        by Bill Clinton
        with introduction
        by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

--- Michael Davis
--- mikad@earthlink.net
--- EarthLink: It's your Internet.


Top 10 Reasons Why Handguns Are Better Than Women

#10 You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.

#9 You can keep one handgun on the road and another at home.

#8 If you admire a man's handgun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.

#7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a back-up.

#6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 Handguns function normally everyday of the month.

#3 A handgun doesn't ask... 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

#2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun!

 

Better Safe Than Sorry

The Sex Fairy

     This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. That's why I didn't want to take any chances with this one! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!

     1.Sex is a beauty treatment.

Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

      2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

      3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

    4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

    5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

    6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

    7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

    8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

   9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

   10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

      This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals  will rot and fall off.

                                    

The following is an actual question given on a University 
of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so 
profound that the professor shared it with colleagues via the 
Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of 
enjoying it as well.

Bonus question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic 
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's 
Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is 
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. 
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that 
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls 
are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look 
at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of 
these religions state that if you are not a member of their 
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of 
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one 
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and 
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in 
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for 
the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume 
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This 
leaves two possibilities
 
1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which 
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2 - Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the 
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the 
postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman 
year, that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with 
you," and take into account the fact that I still have not 
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then,#2 cannot be 
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not 
freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.

"If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?"

    At a cocktail party one evening, a Nobel Peace Prize winner was asked whether he preferred beer or wine. His response was, "Oh, wine by all means. To me wine is the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me within a glorious sense of anticipation.  When the cork is remove and the magnificent brilliant virtuosi liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting bouquet and am lifted on the wings of ecstasy.  It seems as though I'm about to partake a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow.  The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I', transported into another world"
    He continued, "And, on the other hand, beer makes me fart"

WORDS WOMEN USE

 

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD  (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD  (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conj unction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That 's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
 

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, 
"Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different 
women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut 
seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it 
down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, 
"but it will wipe that damn smirk off your face."

 

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes
to "Happy Hour."

 

AUTO REPAIR

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

----------------------------------------

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!"


------------------------------------------


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back,
"You ARE on the other side."

-------------------------------------

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "it's A SCARF!"

 ---------------------------------------

  BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied...
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

------------------------------------

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the 
dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a 
vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
------------------------------------

FINAL EXAM

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no 
type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question 
paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse,
removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet...
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating 
it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, 
muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

 -----------------------------------------------------

Subject: THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, 
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to 
the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
 
Subject: When I get older....

 
Family please note: This is where I would like to go.

Others of you..... this gives you some good information to log for future use.

No Nursing Home for me!
I am checking into the Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it averages $49.23 per night.  That leaves $138.77 a day for Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service; laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc.  Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.  They treat you like a customer, not a patient.  $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.  While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.  And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.  They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK.  If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.  If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family.  They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation  The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
So, when I reach the golden age.  I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my email to:  
me@Holiday.Inn