Del Vets Humor

 Page 11

Top Ten Common Questions asked of the White House switchboard operator:

1. "You guys find Osama yet?"
2. "Hey, it's dubya.. I lost my card key again. can you tell the guard to let me in?"
3. "Hi, this is Billy Clinton. Has any broads called for me?"
4. "I work next door. Could you please turn down the Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
5. "Can I get a dozen of those little square hamburgers delivered?"
6. "It's Al Gore, has anyone called for me?"
7. "Hello, this is John Kerry. Does anyone there know how I could get in touch with Jane Fonda?"
8. "Hello, would you accept a collect call from presidential candidate Ralph Nader?"
9. "Hello, this is Moink Boink could I speak to your leader?"
10. "Aren't you too busy to answer the phone, Mr. President?"



Dieters use caution!

      No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain consists entirely of fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. 


One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Kerry was not elected president ."
The old man said, "Oh, Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry was not elected president and does not reside here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry was not elected president and does not reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

    A new bar opens in town and everyone is talking about it. the buzz is because it has a robot bartender. One fellow decides he has to see this for himself, so in he goes and sits at the bar.
    Sure enough, a robot is tending bar. The man orders a drink and the robot asks him his IQ. The man replies that his IQ is 150. With that, the robot begins discussing particle physics, the development of hydrogen power cells and global warming.
    Impressed, he wants to see what happens if he doesn't claim to be quite as bright. So, he leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits down at a different stool. Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the guy tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball and the proper way to grill a steak.
    "Wow, this is amazing," thinks the man. He decides he wants to see how good this robot really is. Thus, he leaves the bar and comes back in for a third time.
    This time he tell the robot his IQ is 50. The Robot asks, "So, are you Democrats excited about the Kerry-Edwards ticket?"


International News - Paris, France

The Terror Alert was upgraded recently by the French government from "run" to "hide." This was in light of the Madrid bombing that occurred just a few week earlier.
According to this news source, the only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The same program that was implemented during WWII.


Washington (Reuters)     - A tragic fire on Wednesday 
destroyed the personal library of John F. Kerry...
Both of his books have been lost.  A spokesman said 
the presidential hopeful was devastated, as he had not 
finished coloring the second one.

  Dear Abby,


          I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been

diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.


          My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are  financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.


            My other brother is currently in jail charged with sexual misconduct

with his three children.


             I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who

lives in Longview, She is now only a part time "working girl".   She is planning on quitting when we get married.  All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the

family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.


        Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Bush for president?



     Worried About My Reputation


G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftercare.
Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,"
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


On a Canadian TV program there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton....
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? look at him... his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with
"Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada later this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes....

A  woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.  "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The  woman  drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car,  but she swerved in time to avoid them. 
"ASSHOLES!" she yelled . . .immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by the
Dixie Chicks.


A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large".  The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any dicision.  The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.  The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.  "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".`


My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."  He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.  He couldn't get back in.


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.  The husband yells, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband - Stiff at Last."


A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet  to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that  we're married."

 Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

 "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

 After a moment of silence, he farted.


A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in
front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know,
dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face
is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is
hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make
me feel better about myself honey."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held
Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
Female friends of the family are invited.

Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for.  
Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins. So Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on  
water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin.  
"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."  
At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says,  "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly fool?"  





The Bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who had looted over 30 banks before his capture.  
The parole board says he is completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague. Yes, that is correct.  
They were able to right a bad czech.  



The Guys' Rules


Finally, the guys' side of the story.


We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Men ARE not mind readers.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
let it be.


1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.

See a doctor.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,

don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible,

please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not ! a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this.


Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;  but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.



A.)  If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock
      one year ago, it would  now be worth $49.00.

 B.) With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the
      original $1,000.00.
C.) With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00  left.

 But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer
 one year ago, drank all  the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum
 recycling price, you  would have $214.00.

Based on the above: Current investment advice is to
drink heavily and  recycle.
 It's called the 401-Keg Plan.


It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for
them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were
younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.     Let me relate how I handle 
the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" 
in April, it became necessary for Helen to get a full-time job, both for extra income and 
for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed 
that she was beginning to show her age.  I usually get home from fishing or hunting 
about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, 
she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts 
supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she 
finally does get supper on the table.   She used to do the dishes as soon as we 
finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
supper.   I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't 
cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes to bed.   Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much 
more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just 
can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as 
she finishes up the laundry the next evening. I am willing to overlook it.     Not only that,
but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Wednesday lodge meeting or to 
Mondays's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's Pool shooting or 
something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This 
gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing 
the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had  a really good day fishing, this allows 
her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.  Helen is starting to complain a 
little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay 
the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to 
offer encouragement. I  tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way 
she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now 
and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.     When doing simple jobs she 
seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was 
only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these 
little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed 
lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, 
she may as well make one  for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk 
with me until I fall asleep.  I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support 
Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration 
is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better 
than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if 
you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that 
writing it was worthwhile.



Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?.... What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.  But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.  The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and
the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.  The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll
down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is... If you don't let a woman have her own way... things are going to get ugly.



In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.  One's image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.  Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)!  Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.  Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.  The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig."  Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor.  Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal.  To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man."  Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.  As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood.  The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.  When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax."  Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile."  In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression "losing face."
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front.  A proper and dignified woman . . as in "straight laced"
. . . wore a tightly tied lace.

Common entertainment included playing cards.  However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades."  To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.  Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important.  Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.  They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns.  Many assistants were dispatched at different times.  "You go sip here" and "You go sip there."  The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."

One more: bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.  It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.  However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?  The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.  Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.  There was only one to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.  The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey.  Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."  (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks  for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has
the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $ 15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


    NASA decided to send a rocket ship into space with two monkeys and an astronaut.  They trained them for months and when they were ready, they placed all three in the rocket ship and got ready to launch them.  As the countdown became closer to the liftoff NASA's mission control center announced, "Monkey #1 this is mission control. Initiate!"
    At that moment the first monkey started typing into the rockets computer and suddenly the rockets engine ignited and blasted into space.
    Two hours later NASA announced. "Monkey #2 this is mission control. Initiate!"  At that moment the second monkey started typing like mad into the computer and suddenly they established an orbit around the earth.
    Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."  At this the astronaut responded, "I know, I know.  Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything!"