Del Vets Humor

 Page 12

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a 
Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until  
the boat sank.  He found himself swept up on the shore of an island 
with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and 
coconuts.  After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day 
when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In
disbelief,  he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you
get here?" "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. 
I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I
found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the
tools to make the hardware."
 Ed is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before
him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but
I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
	"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"  Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts,
and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged  their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip
into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and  shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed
to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons
for him to sit down next to her.
	"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing! "You mean ...", he swallows excitedly,
	"We can watch the Eagles game from here?"
 

Breast Obsession

One day this fellow notices that the woman next door likes to sunbathe in a skimpy bikini that shows off her magnificent breasts. He starts to
water and trim his lawn every day, hoping for a peek. Finally, he can stand it no longer. He walks over and knocks on their front door. The
woman's burly husband answers.

"Excuse me," our man stammers, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" His hulking neighbor replies.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla hauls back to deck our poor guy when his wife appears, grabs his arm, and whispers in his ear for a moment.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub
his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies our hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

 
A man has  50 yard line tickets for the Eagle's game.  As he sits down, a man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.  No, he says, "the seat is empty." "That's incredible," said the man.  Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Eagles game, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?  He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me.  I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  The is the first Eagles game we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."  "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.  That's terrible.  But couldn't you find someone else---a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?
The man shakes his head.  "No they're all at the funeral." 

 

At Assumption Church in Pomona last Sunday, the Rev. Michael Matveenko, pastor, continued in his dual role as priest and intermediary between God and the Philadelphia Eagles. He told this joke during his homily:

John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Elway felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

Then, he noticed another house just around the corner: a three-story mansion with a green, white and silver sidewalk, a 50-foot flagpole with an enormous Eagles flag, and Eagles emblems in every window.

Elway looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I won two Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said, "So, what's your point, John?"

"Well, why does Donovan McNabb get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said, "John, that's not Donovan's house, it's mine."

 

A three year old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
 
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
 
Mom answered, "Not yet."

 

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls' Night
Out, and were decidedly overly enthusiastic on the cocktails.  Incredibly
drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near
a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head
stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd take
off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was
wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but
was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the
graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon. After finishing, they then
made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said,
this girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last
night without her panties.

That's nothing," said the other husband, mine came home with a card stuck to
her panties that said:

FROM ALL Of US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.


*One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a  river, his axe fell into the river.*
*When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"*
*The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.*
*The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.*
*The woodcutter replied, "No."*
*The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.*
*Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."*
*The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.*
*The woodcutter replied, "Yes."*
*The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" *
*"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"*
*The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.*
*"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.*
*"Yes," cried the woodcutter.*
*The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"*
*The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.*
*You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.*
*Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."*
*The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.*
*That's our story, and we're sticking to it*

Tech Support

Tech Support: "OK Mr. Smith, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now hit 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I see a bunch of tabs, but I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support : "On your keyboard, Sir."

Customer : "What do you mean?"

Tech Support : "'P' on your keyboard, Sir."

Customer : "I'm not going to do that!"


				
Two Words

Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped
his fly and placed her hand on his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car.
"I've got just two words for you," she cried. "Drop dead!"
"I've got two words for you, too," Roger screamed back. "Let go!"

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's 
omnipotence did not extend to His own children. 

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? 
Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after 
making the elephants. 

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. 

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, 
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
   and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down 
   and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children
   more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: 
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

 

Tidbits

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ...but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built,
engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years...

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

A dentist invented the electric chair.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick his or her elbow.

Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.

They will get a kick out of it!!

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

 

An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.
    The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico our glasses so
cheap we don't need to drink from the same one twice"
    The Iraqi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In
Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink
out of the same glass twice either.
    The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the
Iraqi and catches his glass. He says "In America we have so many Mexicans
and Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."


Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training
at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess
-- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie
on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were
a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel
lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that
long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part
of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering
why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that
this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me
that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
 

POOF

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, 
when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will 
be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could 
possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes
her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, 
''Now I bet you're sorry you had me neutered!''

 

The man gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area.
He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,
"The weather out there is really terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that crap?"

Ten Commandments:

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!

It creates a hostile work environment.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special"  was two eggs, bacon,
hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good,"  my wife said.  "But I don't want the eggs."
 
 "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents  because you're ordering
a la carte," the waitress warned her.

 "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"  My wife  asked incredulously. 
"I'll take the special."

 "How do you want your eggs?"

 "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.  She took the two eggs home.

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to
the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agree d and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."
 

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 
 

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM.
HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING.

"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.
"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.
HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP
AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE,
AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING
ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B. ," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE
RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"
 

 

Teen-age Sex:
 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that
teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother spoke with her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom!
You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
Church:
 
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher,
I'll tell you, that was a Damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
 
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
 
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
 
The preacher said, "No shit?"

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise
control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't
be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had
it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

" Only when he's been drinking."

 

I hate people who forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid,  now...

 


				
Subject: HOSPITAL PRICING

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber..
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
 "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women,
but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind -
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on.  I can't afford one.  So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" 

Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'  I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?   What are we supposed to do -- write to these men?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.  As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

 
A college student at a recent Oregon/OSU football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was 
impossible for their generation to understand his.
 
"You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing....and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,  "You're right. We didn't have those things
when we were young - so WE INVENTED THEM, you little twit!  What the heck are you doing for the next generation??"

 

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? 
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. 
They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come 
to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if 
they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves 
and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also! Why we 
shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and 
"How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for 
the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have 
television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers 
with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' 
HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. 
THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' 

 

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the expression, "One Nation Under God", was unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this Platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him back over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row.

When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

 

Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:  

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars.  O.J. & Kobe are walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and they haul her ass to jail."

 

Terrifying Experience

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to recount the most frightening experience he had ever had.
"Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India," the old explorer said. "I was pushing through the brush on a narrow trail.
Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of me! I grabbed my rifle and fired instantly, only to find that it had jammed! The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRR!  I soiled myself."

The reporter felt somewhat embarrassed for the old man. "Under those circumstances," he said, "I think anyone would have done the same."

"No, no," the old explorer said. "Not then - just now when I went ROARRR!"

 

NUMBER ONE IDIOT OF 2004

    I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. IDIOT!

NUMBER TWO IDIOT OF 2004

   Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

   They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

NUMBER THREE IDIOT OF 2004

   A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."   While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.  Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

NUMBER FOUR IDIOT OF 2004

   A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave  the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!

IDIOT NUMBER FIVE OF 2004

   A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.

IDIOT NUMBER SIX OF 2004

   Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

   Give him his sign.

IDIOT NUMBER SEVEN OF 2004

   The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Sign please.

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote, (and breed).

Yikes!

 

Happy Birthday

An old man was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes - "Hello toes!", he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you're 82
today. Oh the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park on Sunday afternoons? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees", he proceeded. "How are you, knees? You know, you're 82 today. Oh the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade?
Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"

He looked down at his groin. "Hello Willy! Ah, Willy, if you were alive
today, you'd be 82 years old!"


						
						

Bragging Rights

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and
last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm not religious."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"