Del Vets Humor

 Page 13

Anger Management:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong'
number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I screamed back.
"Who are you?" he demanded.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE! It's a yellow house, with my black beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said. again, without hanging up. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better.
Anger management really works!!!

 

Cool barstools

 

A lie gets halfway around the world before the
truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Sir Winston Churchill

 

Test

This is the Official Moron Test. It's based upon typical graduation requirements at Harvard.

Try to finish within 5 minutes. When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others. OK, here we go...

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no? 

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 

4. How many outs are there in an inning? 

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister? 

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? 

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? 

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? 

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark? 

11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh? 

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 

13. What was the President's name in 1960? 

 

NO CHEATING ***

So how do you think you did? (Scroll down for answers.)

 

 

TEST ANSWERS:

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No? Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? One (1). You can only be born once. 

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 

4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning. 

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister? No. He must be dead if it is his widow. 

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60. 

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? Two (2). You take two apples ... therefore YOU have TWO apples. 

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?

One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has passed. 

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?   Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die. 

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark? None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark. 

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?     Meat ... that is self-explanatory. 

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE ... it's a dozen. 

13. What was the President's name in 1960? George Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name. 

 

So, how did you do?

13 correct.........GENIUS...you are good.

10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head.

7-9 correct........AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?

4-6 correct........SLOW...pay attention to the questions!

1-3 correct.........IDIOT...what else can be said?

0 correct............CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON

 

In the Doctor's Office

"So, how did it happen?" the doctor asked the aging farmer as he set the
man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." began the farmer.

"Never mind the past," the doctor interrupted. "Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"As I was saying... 25 years ago I was a bit of a wanderer. I traveled the country doing odd jobs on different farms in return for room and
board. I remember working one place where the farmer's daughter was a real beauty. That night, right after I'd gone to bed, she came into my
room and asked me if there was anything I wanted."

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," the doctor interrupted again. "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmer explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"


 

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, was laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my Job."

 

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

 

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them".
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we  are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over and offered to pay for more food. After once again having his offer politely refused, he finally asked the little old lady " What is it you are waiting for?" She answered....

    (This is great)

 

 

 

 

 "THE TEETH!!"                                 

 

Sounds like a plan to me!! 
 
About two years ago my wife & I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dinning room.


I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc, all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she
had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
 
As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye & stopped to say hello. We chatted & I said, "I understand you've been on this ship the last
four cruises".  She replied,  "yes that's true".  I stated,  "I don't understand"  & she replied, with a pause, "it's cheaper than a nursing home.
So, there will be no nursing home in my future".
 
When I get old & feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200.00 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess & I can get a long term discount & senior discount price of $135.00 per day That leaves me $65.00 a day for,
1. Gratuities which will be, $10.00 per day.
2. I will have as many as ten meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service( which means, I can have breakfast in bed everyday of the week)
3. Princess has three swimming pools, a work out room, free washers & dryers & shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap & shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5.00 worth of tips, will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
7. TV broken?? light bulb needs changing?? Need to have the mattress replaced?? No problem! They will fix everything & apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets & towels every day & you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in a nursing home & break a hip, you're on Medicare. If you fall & break a hip on a Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite the rest of your life.
 
Now, hold on for the best yet!
 
Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to
ship.
 
PS & don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side, no charge. Have a great retirement.

If Men Wrote the Rules

Rule # 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4: It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9: Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chests stared at.

Rule # 11: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.  After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.  When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
(scroll down)












 

"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....


WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist,  the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name, "sighed the distraught bishop,

but............"








(.....Wait for it......)








(.......It's worth it.......)





"HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER"...

 

The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman.
 
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

                            ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

1.      To make an appointment to see me.

2.      To query a missing payment.
 
3.      To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4.      To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5.      To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6.      To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7.      To leave a message on my computer, a password to  access my computer is required.
         Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
 
8.      To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
 
9.      To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
         While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,
 
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old)

Just Rewards

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with
teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge
bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

Easy Palm Reading

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

 

You GOTTA Love This!!!!!!!!
 

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.
Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.


DEPORT HER TO AMERICA -- WE NEED HER!!!

 

 


	

 

Wilmington,Delaware:
    A law suit brought forth by a man who received a botched penile surgery won a multi-million dollar settlement after he was left with a three day erection.
    After winning, the man said, "This is the 4th. happiest day of my life"

 

 

 The No Frills Dental Appointment

    The vacationing elderly couple were shown into the dentist's office, where Mrs. Bagworm made it clear she was in a big hurry.

    "No fancy stuff, Doctor," she ordered, "No needles or gas or any of that stuff. This is an unwelcome concern in our vacation schedule. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

    "I wish more of my patients were as fearless as you" said the dentist admiringly."Now, which tooth is it?"

    Mrs. Bagworm turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth honey!"