Del Vets Humor

 Page 14

A new young monk arrives at the monastery.  His duties include copying the old canons and laws of the temple by hand.  Being very young and observant, he notices that all the other monks are copying from copies and not the original manuscripts.
    The young monk goes to the head abbot and points out that if someone had made even a small error in the first copy, the error would never be found.  In fact, the error would continue in all subsequent copies causing it to be lost down through the ages.
    The abbot replies, "We have been coping from the copies for a thousand years, but you make a good point, my son."  So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts were locked and had not been opened for over a thousand years.
    Hours go by, and no one has seen the head abbot. the young monk gets worried and walks down the darkened stairs to look for the old monk.  He sees his elder banging his head against the wall wailing uncontrollably.
    The young monk asks the stricken abbot, "What is wrong, master?"
    With a choking voice the old abbot replies, "the word is celebrate."

 

All the good Knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One Knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of Knights was only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the Knight's best friend.

He said, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

 

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish; each person is allowed only one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. The duck is soon followed by another duck then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know,  I think your genie's a little deaf.  I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!

 

The Phone
 
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the  world.  So he  bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA  from South to North.

On his first day he was  inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him  that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for$10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to Ireland to see if the Irish had the same phone. He arrived in Ireland, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under
it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in
the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Ireland now my son, it's a  local call".

 

Web Bug

Bubba and Junior

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior, have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a prostitute comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good - but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he points to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"

 

The Afghan Diplomat

    An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the United States was being wined and dined by the State Department.  The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods, (cheeses, salad dressings, anchovies, and French fries etc.) and was constantly sending his servant Kabul to fetch him a glass of water.
    Time and again, Kabul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came a time when he returned empty handed.
    "Kabul, you son of a lazy camel, fetch water now!" demanded the diplomat.
    "Oh, a thousand pardons, Your Eminence," Stammered the wretched Kabul, "But a man is sitting on the well!"

 

 

  

Charging Both Ways

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, making out.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20.00 for sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.00.
"

At a Florida Retirement Community

In the recreation room a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My elbows have become so stricken with rhumatism I can hardly lift this cup of tea," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another.  "Shoot! My eyes are so bad I can't even see my tea!"

"I couldn't even sign my social security check last month because my hands became so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? What? Speak up! I can't hear a fool thing you're sayin'!" said another.

"I can't even turn my head because of spurs in my neck," said an old woman with blue hair and at which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"I'm dizzy all the time from my blood pressure pills." exclaimed another.

"Hell, most of the time I forgit where I'm goin." said a thin old man.

"I guess that's the price that we have to pay for getting old," moaned an old man as he slowly made his way to the men's room.

"Well, count your blessings people," said one woman cheerfully, "thank God, we can all still drive."

The old farmer and his wife were sitting on the porch when the old woman recalled that the next week would be their golden anniversary.

Let's have a party, Edgar," she suggested. "Let's kill the pig."

The farmer pulled his hat down over his eyes and said lazily, "Aw hell ma, I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

 

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just delivered a typical Texas baby weighing twenty-one pounds.
"Wow,!!" exclaimed everyone at the bar.
A week later he returned to the bar.  The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the twenty-one pound baby?"  How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered,  "Eleven pounds, 2 ounces."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened?  He did weigh twenty-one pounds didn't he?"
The father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

 

John wasn't happy about putting his father in a county nursing home, but it was all he could afford--until an investment that he had made years prior paid off big time.  The first thing he did with his new found wealth was to move his father to the best nursing home money could buy.

The old man was happier than he had been in years with his new surroundings.  On the first day, as he was sitting in front of this high definition cable television with HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax,  he started to list to his right side.  Instantly, a nurse ran over and quickly straightened him up.

Over lunch he started to lean a bit to the left, but within seconds a nurse gently pushed him upright again.

That night after dinner his son stopped in for a visit. "So how are you doing Pop?" he asked eagerly.

" Johnny, it's a wonderful place indeed," said the father.  "I'm so happy here!  I've got my own TV, the food is great, and if I need anything at all, I just press this little button."

"Dad, I'm so glad you like everything."

"Well," the old man replied, "there is one problem with this place."

"A problem?  What's the problem, tell me." the son asked.

The old man leaned over to his son and whispered, "The problem is--they won't let you fart."

 

Nicknames

An old lady was walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached and said, "Ma’am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

"Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff,” the old lady replied. "I'm calling my husband."

The clerk frowned. "Your husband's name is Crisco?" he said.

"Oh no, no, no," the old lady answered. "I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass."

 

Top Ten Signs You May be Over the Hill

10. You’re just taking a nap but others worry that you might be dead.

9. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into  the room.

8. You hum along with the elevator music.

7. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

6. You even once complain about the price of gasoline.

5. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

4. You know what the word "equity" means.

3. You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn.

2. Your favorite cable station is the weather channel.

And the #1 sign that you may be over the hill...

1. You can live without sex - but not without glasses.


			
			

 

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.

In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:

1. What are two days of the week that begin with "T"?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.

Saint Peter said, "Ok, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected. Technically, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God's first name is either Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on."

"Ok then, I give," said Saint Peter. "But what about God's first name?"

Forrest said, "Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...And then from the prayer...Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."


Saint Peter let him in without another word.

 


                                                                           
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.       
 Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that    
 would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. 
 He asked if they were willing to try it out.                              
                                                                           
 They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer  
 to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than 
 the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, 
 the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a   
 notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The     
 husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood    
 pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this point, they    
 decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since   
 the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the    
 husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife   
 delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.                          
 She and her husband were ecstatic. 
                                                                           
                                                                           
 
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

Many of us (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite

confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the

kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try

to conform to current fashions.  Despite what you may have seen on the streets,

the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . . . .

13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

 

 

 

Bad Luck Burglar

"Get this," said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

"He sure did," the guy said. "A bloody nose, a black eye, and a free ride downtown."

"Whoa!" his friends exclaimed. "How did it happen?"

"Well, it was really late at night," the guy answered. "My wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"


			

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an Urgent problem with one of the main computers, He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to! talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with! the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."


What you see below are not see-thru skirts. They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible and these are the current rage in Japan. They'll be the rage here in the USA soon and you just know who will be shopping for one.




                                     

 

I think all of the AARP crowd should consider getting at least one. Wouldn't You?

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little
concerned, asked if the baby was being breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination that seemed to be quite enjoyed by the woman. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
 "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother."

 

Now this is what I call a party animal!

 
A wish for all the difficult people in your life. 



George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.Even the words sound like a ceremony .. . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! . He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're
Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 2 1, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!





HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.