Del Vets Humor

 Page 15

A college student at a Oregon/OSU ball game

challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was 
impossible for their generation to understand his.
 
"You grew up in a different world," the student said,
loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel,
man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have
visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric
and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing....and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany,
the geezer said,  "You're right. We didn't have those things
when we were young - so WE INVENTED THEM, you little twit!
What the heck are you doing for the next generation??"

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the expression, "One Nation Under God", was unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this Platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him back over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row.

When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

Important Recall Notice

Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."

Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[c] Depression
[d] Foul vocal emissions
[e] Selfishness
[f] Ingratitude
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Rebellion
[i] Jealousy

The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus Christ, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.

To repeat, there is no fee required. The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Christ, into the heart component of the human unit.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Christ will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Kindness
[e] Goodness
[f] Faithfulness
[g] Gentleness
[h] Patience
[I] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes.

As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Ghost. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.

WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated.
 
 
 

Thank you for your immediate attention.

Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice

 


		
 25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP 

         1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them. 

         2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

         3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 

         4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 

         5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 

         6. You watch the Weather Channel. 

         7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 

         8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 

         9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

         10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 

         11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 

         12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 

         13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

          14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 

         15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 

         16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM! 

         17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 

         18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 

         19 If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

         20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 

         21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 

         22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

          23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

          24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 

         25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and you can't find

                one to save your sorry old butt.

         Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals &friends 'cause you  know they'll enjoy it &do the same!!!

Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist.
He loved to sneak away to the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he

noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.  

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race.

Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses

for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed

won the race.  

Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the

priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated!  

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and

it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the

priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.  

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest.

He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they

won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my

savings, thanks to you!!"  

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you

Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and Last Rites."


Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.


Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.


Candidate A.

 

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.




 

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.




 

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

-------------------------------------------------------------


 

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading...

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic



And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?



Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


You gotta pass this on
 
 
Ancient Chinese Torture A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
 
 
 
Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

 

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"


		

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers Compensation board.
This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....*

*Dear Sir: *


*I am writing in response to your request for additional*
*information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.*

*I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.*

*Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.*

*Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.*

*You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.*

*Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.*

*In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.*

*This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.*

*Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.*

*At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.*

*I refer you again to my weight.*

*As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.*

*Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.*

*I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of rocks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin it's journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken eggs.*

*I hope this answers your inquiry. *



THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Subject: Top 25 Nashville Songs 2005
 
 1.    Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing  You Goodbye
  
 2.     Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was  Pure
  
 3.    How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
  
 4.    I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go  Bowling
  
 5.    I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My  girl, But The Car Don't 
       Run so I Figure We Got An Even Deal
  
 6.    I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
  
 7.    I Like You Better Before I Knew You So Well
  
 8.    I Still Miss You, Baby, but My Aim's A Gettin' Better
  
 9.    I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
  
 10.    I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
  
 11.    I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
 
 12.    I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back, Crying Over You
  
 13.    If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then  Number Two on You
  
 14.    If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
  
 15.    Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly on Papa's Head)
  
 16.    My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
  
 17.    My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
  
 18.    Please Bypass This Heart
  
 19.    She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
  
 20.    You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That  Sucker Flat
  
 21.    You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
  
 22.    If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's  Me
  
 23.    She's Acting Single and I'm Drinking  Doubles
  
 24.    She's Looking Better After Every Beer
  
 25.    I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But  I've Sure Woke Up with a Few

 

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.  Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.   Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."  
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I  had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing."
"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

 
 
Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type 
real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the the
phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken 
at my last jobb. 


Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check. 
 
Subject: traffic stops 

A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman. 

Cop says, "License and registration, please." 
Guy says, "What for?" 
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." 
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." 
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." 
Guy says, "What's the difference?" 
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" 
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop 
           I'll give you my license and registration." 
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." 
At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the 
ever-loving SHIT out of the guy and says, 
"Do you want me to stop OR JUST SLOW DOWN" 

 After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand 
 by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
 "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his 
  ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" 
  she answers. "Well, who in the HELL is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."