Del Vets Humor

 Page 16

Operation Redneck

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit
code-named U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF)

These men are from North & South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia & Texas. They will be dropped into Iraq and will be given only the following info about the terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, dogs, pickup trucks, old country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The war in Iraq should be over IN ABOUT A WEEK.

 

Redneck MaMa

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS?"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'  An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'  An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."



Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the

words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?  Here are the testimonials

of a few women who did....



 

FIRST TESTIMONY:  I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three

kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and

a blow  job?"  I turned around and walked back out and never went back.  My

husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:  I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of

golf balls.  I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After

browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking 

gentlemen who works in the store. He asked if he could help me.  Without

thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:  My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a

store   that sold a variety of candy and nuts.  As we were looking at the

display   case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.  I

replied,   "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."  My sister started to laugh

hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler

decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able

to   grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from

other   patrons.  I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she

would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a

voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell

Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"  The silence

was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped 

what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked

out  of the bank with my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard when the

door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:  Have you ever asked your child a question too many

times?  My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a

quick   lunch in - between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining

room. While  enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I

checked   my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.  Then I realized

that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he  needed

to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has  had an

accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,  "Danny,

are   you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.  I just KNEW

that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"  This

time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his

cheeks  and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"   While 30 people nearly

choked to   death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and  sat

down.    An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh

they'd   ever had! !

 

LAST TESTIMONY:  This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2

days and a  very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,

likely think  before she  speaks.  What happens when you predict snow

but   don't get any...a true  story... We had a female news anchor that, the

day   after it was supposed to  have snowed and didn't, turned to the

weatherman   and asked: "So Bob,  where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set but half the crew did too.

 

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. 
When the man behind the counter told her it would cost $300.00, she exclaimed 
"I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." 
The man arched an eyebrow ( as you would expect ). "ANYTHING" he asked. 
"Yes, yes, . . . . ANYTHING !! ", the blond promised. 
"Well then, just follow me," said the man, as he walked towards the next room. 
The blonde did as she was told, and followed the man. 
"Come in, and close the door," the man said.
She did! 
"Now, get down on your knees."
She did. 
"Now take down my zipper."
She did. 
"Now go ahead, take it out." he said. 
She reached in, and grabbed it with both hands, and then paused ! 
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well then...............go ahead !" 
The blonde slowly brought it closer to her mouth,and while holding it to her lips, tentatively said 
" Hello Mum....................................Can you hear me?"

Brain Cramps

      Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
      Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
      --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss
USA contest.

      ``````````````````````````````````
      "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
      world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
      but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
      ````````````
      "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
      of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
      Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
      `````````````````````````````````````````````````
      "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--
      Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
      `````````````````````````````````````````````
      "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
      rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
      `````````````````````````````
      "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
      are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
      subpoenaed documents.
      ````````````````````````````````````````````````````
      "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
      and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

      ````````````````````````````
      "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
      manager, Danny Ozark
      ``````````````````````````````````
      "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
      impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice
      President
      ```````````````````
      "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
      ``````````
      "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
      need?"--Lee Iacocca
      ```````````
      "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."       --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
      ````````````````````````````````````````````
      "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
      --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
      `````````````````````````````````
      "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
      ``````````````````
      "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
      --Al Gore, VP
      ````````````````
      "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
      --Keppel Enderbery
      ``````````````````````
      "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
      received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
      reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of
      Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
      ````````````````````````````````````````````
      "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
      they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
      And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
      --Mark S Fowler, FCC Chairman

Seventeen Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
11. Sing Along At The Opera.
12. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
13. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
14. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
15. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,
      Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
16. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To     Let One Of You Go."
      And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
17. Forward this Website, Joke Page Link To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called
Therapy...

Test

This is the Official Moron Test. It's based upon typical graduation requirements at Harvard.
Try to finish within 5 minutes. When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others. OK, here we go... 

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no? 

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 

4. How many outs are there in an inning? 

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister? 

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? 

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? 

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? 

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? 

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?

11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh? 

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 

13. What was the President's name in 1960?

 

NO CHEATING ***

So how do you think you did? (Scroll down for answers.) 

TEST ANSWERS:

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No? Yes. It comes right after the 3rd. 

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? One (1). You can only be born once. 

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 

4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning. 

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister? No. He must be dead if it is his widow. 

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60. 

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you

left with? Two (2). You take two apples ... therefore YOU have TWO apples. 

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has passed. 

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die. 

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark? None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark. 

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?
   Meat ... that is self-explanatory. 

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE ... it's a dozen. 

13. What was the President's name in 1960? George Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name. 

So, how did you do?

13 correct.........GENIUS...you are good.

10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head.

7-9 correct........AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?

4-6 correct........SLOW...pay attention to the questions!

1-3 correct.........IDIOT...what else can be said?

0 correct............CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON

The driver of a senior's bus was helping his passengers off at a sightseeing tour. One elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver was shocked and promised he would check into it. Passengers continued to exit. The last one was a little old lady. The driver was mortified when she whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually
harassed!"

The driver climbed back into the bus to check it before starting the tour. He found a little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats. "Aha," he thought, "Here's the problem. This old gent has lost something and the ladies thought he was trying to peek under their skirts!"

Stooping down, the drive asked, "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"

The elderly man looked up. "I sure hope so," he said. "I've lost my toupee. It's grey and parted on the side. I found two others, but they were both parted in the middle!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I
could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went right though.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went
right through.

She turned to the other woman and said "Mildred! Did you know we just
ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Good grief, am I driving?"

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our Oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, New Mexico, and Texas.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC

The Price for Peace

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each two dollars if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days

 

Subject: evolution of math

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.  The counter   girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents   from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the   nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I  sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two  quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950 -A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80.  Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment:  Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990 - A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit
of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:  How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)


Teaching Math In 2005 - Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100.  El costo de la producción es $80 ...

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were
booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short
cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the
same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The
guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"


 

The Lookout"

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:  "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
A few moments passed.  "An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments later, "Looks like the
Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's r
iding a new bike."
"The Coopers are having sex."
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed.  Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

I just got my new Cadillac STS-V, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. Watch  this! he said.."Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "ASS-HOLES!" I yelled..... The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on  guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....

    I LOVE this car !!!!!!!!!

SENIOR DRESS CODE - PICTURE TO FOLLOW

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the
kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets,
the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends


Please keep these basic guidelines foremost

Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton go to Heaven.
(NO, NO, this is just the FIRST part of the joke----keep reading.)

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your
will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."


God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my
left."


God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never
held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."


God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and
sit at my right."


Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

Teen Poverty in America
 


I just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. I came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty. Most young men I observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the
whole group.

But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

It grieved me, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are people who can't afford a decent pair of jeans.  I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, I could go Christmas caroling
and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers. 

But here is the saddest part..... it was the girls they were hanging out with that disturbed me most. I never, in all of my life, seen such poverty -stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys they all had to wear their little sisters clothes.  Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could put
them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections. 

Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.

However, it was their underwear that bothered me most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, had their underwear exposed. I never saw anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.

I know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our American teenagers. While I go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together. I think
their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather at the mall, boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find acceptance. So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping , and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say a
prayer for them?

And one more thing ... Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down, and girls' strings won't break?

I thank you all,
A Grandmother


 
A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges and excesses. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The applicant said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker responded,  "Yeah, well, you started it."

 
 
 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
.
                                                     

 6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
 
                                                             

 
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between n
aps.
 
                                                              

 
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

 19.. Procrastinate Now!

 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
                                      

 
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

 24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

 25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.                                                                                                  

 26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

 27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

 30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going
on.

 Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers

 

 

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. A Beechboro grub's idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just re member how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it, again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever

 

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. Whenever a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement;  but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.