Del Vets Humor

 Page 17

 

Breaking News:

This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues,
Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. 
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly!

 

 

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

Subject: Just Fred




A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself,
studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way
through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred
Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

 

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
     He phoned the police, who asked "Does someone live in your shed?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.  George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
   "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about  them now, cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
   Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence.
    Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them?"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available?"

 

"Who's On First" -- George & Condi

George:  Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?

Condi:   Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George:   Great.  Lay it on me.


Condi:   Hu is the new leader of China.

George:   That's what I want to know.


Condi:   That's what I'm telling you.

George:   That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?

Condi:   Yes.


George:   I mean the fellow's name.

Condi:    Hu.

George:   The guy in China.

Condi:   Hu.


George:   The new leader of China.

Condi:   Hu.


George:   The main man in China!

Condi:   Hu is leading China.

George:   Now whaddya' asking me for?


Condi:   I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.


George:   Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?

Condi:   That's the man's name.


George:   That's who's name?

Condi:   Yes.

George:   Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:   Yassir?  Yassir Arafat is in China?  I though the was in the Middle East, dead.

Condi:   That's correct.

George:    Then who is in China?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:   Yassir is in China?

Condi:   No, sir.

George:   Then who is?

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:   Yassir?

Condi:   No, sir.

George:  Look Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China.  
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi:  Kofi?

George:   No, thanks.

Condi:  You want Kofi?

George:   No.

Condi:   You don't want Kofi.

George:  No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.  
And then get me the U.N.

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:  Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Kofi?

George:  Milk!  Will you please make the call?

Condi:  And call who?

George:  Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi:   Hu is the guy in China.

George:   Will you stay out of China?!

Condi:   Yes, sir.

George:   And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi:  Kofi.

George:  All right!  With cream and two sugars.  Now get on the phone!
 
 

 

THE IRAQI QUARTERBACK

Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team, missing only a stud quarterback.  He had scouted all the colleges, even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer to guarantee a Super Bowl win.
One night he was watching a war-zone scene in Iraq on TV.  In the background of one shot, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM! He threw another grenade 75 yards, pitching it right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another into a car passing at 90 mph.  BULL'S-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Reid shouted.  "He's got the perfect arm!"
He finds him and brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.  The Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Iraqi is hailed as a great hero, and when Reid asks him what he wants, he says he wants to call his mother.
"Mom,"  he says into the phone,  "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you,"  the old Muslim woman snaps.  "You deserted us.  You are not my son!"
"You don't understand, Mother," the QB pleads.  "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No!  Let me tell you!"  his mother retorts.  "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.The elections are a joke, your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, then tearfully adds, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!"

 

 

 

Subject:  Can You Slow Down A Little?

 

 

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about .. numbaa 69". More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You  want... Chicken wiff  Broccori?"

 

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY


////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
M y tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------


Imust admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

  
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

  ####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only inTennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

  
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

 %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

 

 


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
 
 
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
 
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds  
 
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much  
 
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
 
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
 
 
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
 
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
 
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

 


 

Two fellas from Tennessee were sitting around talking one afternoon.

After a while the first fella says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fella crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."


 

 

Proof The World is Nuts
 
 In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the  animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is  punishable by death.
 
(Like THAT makes sense.)
 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
 *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
 
(Much worse than "going blind!")
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
 
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
 
(Ah! Justice!)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
 
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
 
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
 
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ... ?)
 
(Did our tax dollers pay for this research??)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
 
(I know some people like that.)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
 
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last:
 
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new
Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs
him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million
dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does
it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
young dude proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a
pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30
seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices
a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?"
the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the
Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old
man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives
it more gasand passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's
feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man
gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors
the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten
seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari
is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his
Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out
and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled
old man and says,"Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?" The
old man whispers, "Unhook . my suspenders from your ... side ... mirror

 

 

 
PERKS OF BEING OVER  50

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.  In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.  

3.  No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4.  People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.  Things you buy now won't wear out.

8.  You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9.  You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.  You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. G>

11.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.  

12.  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.  

13.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.  

14.  You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.  

17.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.  

18.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.  

19.  Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.  

20.  You can't remember who sent you this  list.


And  you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.