Del Vets Humor

 Page 18

 

Doctor's office etiquette
 

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled  it.

An 89-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my pecker ," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong  with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private"

 The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

 "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter

 

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

a Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......


Damn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT"

 

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria which defines a patient to be institutionalized. "Well" said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub."

OK, here's your test.

1. Would you use the teaspoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

Think about this before you scroll down.

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"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup and would empty the tub faster."

"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

 

 

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?



Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my   VCR?



Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.



Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.



Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.



Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?



Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?



Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.



Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.



Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.



Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well , my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?



Dear Abby,

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.



Dear Abby,

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

 

710

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blond came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right " there. "

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: Great picture of the CN Tower in Toronto


 

Next time you are in Toronto, check this out! scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite
impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow! The woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says.. "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf!"

A wealthy old person decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking a faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for company.
 
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she is lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
 
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh !!! I'm in deep doo-doo now." Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.
 
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly,"Boy, that was a delicious leopard !!! I wonder if there are any more around here ???"
 
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! that old poodle nearly had me!"
 
Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures something must be up.
 
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
 
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
 
Now the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear the old poodle says..."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
 
Moral of this story...
 
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!


 

This is HILARIOUS!!!!! A must-read for women!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strip! s facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.........RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH M Y GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out..........must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake.......remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!

Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.   Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."   And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.    
    Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.   When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"   She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket.   Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.   So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."   The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian and I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."   "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"   "I sure did," said the wife.   "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check",  "If he can cash it, he can spend it.
"  

There were two men who had gone to the same college and had become great friends. During college, they had a great time together. They were always right in the middle of anything happening.

 
When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate ways. Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other. During the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.
 
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
 
"What? That doesn't sound like you! During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."
 
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was lying there on the bed. He was stark naked with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet and gave it a good swat. You want to talk about excitement? I was in the wrong room!"

 

 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
   
His horse has already died of thirst.  He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
   
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers  what looks to be an old brief case.  He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
   
She is wearing an Federal Income Tax Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.  She
has a pencil tucked  behind one ear.
   
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
   
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Tax auditor genie."
   
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
   
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
   


***POOF***   
 
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
   
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
   
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
   

***POOF***   
 
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
   
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good  one!" 

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." 

 
  ***POOF***
 
He is turned into a tampon.
   
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached