Del Vets Humor

 Page 19

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which went almost unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.

The most tragic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.? They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started...


USAir Crack in Window (Scary)
This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!

Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame!  Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. This could have caused a major in-flight problem! I sent this to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem.




Subject: God on voicemail

Can u imagine???
God on voicemail ?
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For French press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer
it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then
enter his social security # followed by the * sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 - 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
This office is now closed for the weekend to observe religious holiday.
If you are calling after working hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
And if Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you please get that for me?"
Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Go to fullsize image


A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" 'No," she said..."I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River.


Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:


A  Philadelphia Joke

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in Fairmont Park when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog's neck and saving his friend.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. "Eagles Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

But I'm not a Eagles fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Philadelphia I just assumed you were," said the reporter and he starts writing again. "Flyers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack."

"I'm not a Flyers fan either," the boy said.

"Oh, I assumed everyone in Philadelphia was either for the Eagles or the Flyers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Bastard From Dallas Kills Beloved Family Pet"


You have to be very careful how you explain things to kids!

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can  sit in my
bedroom and  watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company
and makes me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. 

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The  minister  fainted

Waking Up for Church one Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son
and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.  I'll give you two good reasons," he said.  "One, they
don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to
church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July
picnic.  Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi.

"You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know
what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall'! s
prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down
and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."



An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher
greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.


Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that
represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary.
I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy.
I'm a Baptist, and this is a casserole."


The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister.  "I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said.  "The most effective prayer position is
lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was
hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the
conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.
"Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New
York,  performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.  "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your

The one dollar bill replies,  "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the
Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they
were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what
they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster.  "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good
as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"   



Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to
store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the difference between a worker retiring and a student going
on summer vacation?
A. Summer ends

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.


These are the top five adult jokes for last year:

Number 5:

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number 4:

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."

Number 3:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number 2:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to tal k about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired"

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh..she got fired too."

Number 1:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."



A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that!"

The first guy asked, "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded, "No, I'm an asshole."

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. A Beechboro grub's idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it, again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever


You may need to Squint your eyes to read.


I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if
I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!


Bad Breakup!


The new Birds & the Bees The mystery is gone ... How was I born?

The little boy asks his father - Daddy, how was I born?

Dad responds, ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:       You've got male!


The latest mouse pad for those of us worried about Carpel Tunnel Syndrome



A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.



1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
   the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.



Dan and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Mom and Dad's for the night. In the morning, Dan's little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Dan and Mary are up yet. She replies, "no." Johnny asks, "do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "never mind what you think!  Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "are Dan and Mary up yet?" She replies, "no." Johnny says, "do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "never mind what you think!  Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "are Dan and Mary up yet?" His Mom says, "no." Johnny asks, "do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "what do you think?"
He says, "well, last night Dan came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."


A guy is in a line at the Super Market when he notices that the hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and  although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says. "Are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I shagged on the poker table in front of all my buddies while your partner whipped me with some wet celery ?"
No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"



1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.               
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.                   
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,  why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning  medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.                      
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew  up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?     
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys  is nonetheless  dead.                                                                          
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.


Finally an explanation of the oil shortage that makes sense, this should explain it all... 

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. 
Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Wyoming, and Texas. 

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC 



A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a  problem.  I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."


Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.         
Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:   
WARNING: The consumption of  alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra and panties.         
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
 whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
 like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
 friends over and over again that you love them.       
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that 
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.     
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.         
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye 
reel gode.


We put a hot tub in our back yard and from that point on,
the neighbors think they have an open invitation to use it
whenever they please. 
The other night we were trying to enjoy our dinner and all
the neighbors were in there making noise, hollering at us to
come and join them. Like they were inviting us to join them
in our own hot tub!
Last night I wanted to go to bed early, and they had our back
yard light on and were holding a party. "Come on in" they
hollered at me. I just wanted to get some shut eye.  
I was going to say something to them but my wife said no.
She didn't want to offend them. Oh well, I guess I'll just have
to learn to tolerate this rude behavior.    

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