A little girl waits patiently in a long
line at a department store to talk to Santa.
After she's comfortably settled into his lap, he asks what she'd like for Christmas. The little girl says, "I'd like Barbie and GI Joe, Santa."
Confused, Santa replies... "Oh, honey, Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe. She comes with Ken."
The little girl looks up at him and says... "No, Santa, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."
The elves had to revive Santa.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!!!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar..
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
A man walking
along a beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord said:
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."
The man said:
"Build a bridge to
replied: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that would honor and
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said: "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied: You want two or four lanes on that bridge?
The many meanings of
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
My favorite one..
13. Potential Murder Suspect
** BLONDE COWGIRL**** **
A cowgirl, who is visiting
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters
and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. **"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
This equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer, and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two things: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
(This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. about seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
Oh shit! 2
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX,
where woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping.
Men never listen
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure...... The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button." "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Subject: And God said
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
"What's a headache?
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then??
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he???
After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.
"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
Oh shit! 4
On Saturday morning I got
up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed
quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage
to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming
out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage.
I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather
channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the
boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up close to my wife's back, and quietly whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?"
3 Old Guys
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the
time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old.
When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00.
I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said,
"Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00.
one-question IQ test to help you decide how you should spend the
rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...