Del Vets Humor

 Page 21

 

 

A little girl waits patiently in a long line at a department store to talk to Santa.

After she's comfortably settled into his lap, he asks what she'd like for Christmas. The little girl says, "I'd like Barbie and GI Joe, Santa."

Confused, Santa replies... "Oh, honey, Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe. She comes with Ken."

The little girl looks up at him and says... "No, Santa, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

The elves had to revive Santa.

 

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
 
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."  "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

 
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" 
   
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
 
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
 
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!  By the way, what's in the other bag?"

   
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

 

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country :
 
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
 
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
 
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
 
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
 
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
 
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
 
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
 
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
 
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
 
#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
 
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
 
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
 
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't.....Sign here. 

 

Dear Diary...

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my  house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.    

Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!!!  

Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.  

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back. 

Guess I won that stupid argument!

 

7 Degrees of Blondes
 

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
 

SECOND DEGREE
 Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,  "Hmm, this person looks familiar..
 The second blonde says, "Here, let me  see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in  the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

 THIRD DEGREE
 A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and  buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens  the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is  really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her  head.
 The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 FOURTH DEGREE
 A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly  says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's  the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

 FIFTH DEGREE
 What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

 SIXTH DEGREE
 Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

 SEVENTH DEGREE
 Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer  approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come  home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and  what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

 

A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord said: "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
 

The man said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

 

The Lord replied: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would  take!  It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said: "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

The Lord replied:  You want two or four lanes on that bridge?

 

 

The many meanings of P-M-S:

1. Pass  MShotgun

2. Psychotic  Mood  Shift

3. Perpetual  Munching   Spree

4. Puffy  Mid Section

5. People  Make me  Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon  MSobbing

8 Pimples  May  Surface

9. Pass  M Sweatpants

10. Pissy  Mood  Syndrome

11. Plainly;  Men  Suck

12. Pack   MStuff

My favorite one..

13. Potential  Murder  Suspect
 

And as an example

Q: How  many women with PMS  does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!!    ONLY  ONE!!!!    And do you know WHY?
Because no one  else in this house knows  HOW to change a light bulb!  
They don't even  know that the bulb is BURNED  OUT!! 
They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS  before they figured it out!!   
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the  past 13 YEARS!   
But if they did!, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs...  
2 DAYS LATER, the  chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE  THE  WRAPPER THE  STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER
CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A  WONDER WE  HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE  PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE  HOUSE!!  IT  WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN  THIS DAMNED  HOUSE!

I'm sorry.   What was your question?

 

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
 
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

 

Golddigger 2006

 

 

** BLONDE COWGIRL**** **
 A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a  bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. 
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home
in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days

when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters
and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take

notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. **"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

 

 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died."
"No problem," the man said. I came home to my
25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an
affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began
searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I
searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I
happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man
hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on
his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he
landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.
This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the
first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the
first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it
out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that
I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of
course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my
fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the
ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and
lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very
well."
The Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets
Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr.
President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator....

 

 

What Golddigger?
 

 

 

 

This equation should be taught in all math classes!


From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,


B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While
Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

 

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES :

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer, and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

    You only need two things: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

        If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.   If it shouldn't  move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
    Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

    If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally:

    Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

 

 

Oh shit!

 

 

 

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop. 
 
Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for  dinne! r. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could  have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and
he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress  and has his way with me.... two times!"
 
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
 
Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

 

 

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
(This
is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. about seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone

The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.

 

Oh shit! 2

 

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping.

 

 

Men never listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this. 
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. 
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure...... The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. 
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. 
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button." "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

 

 

How many people, when out shopping, can really tell good coconuts from bad ones.  
 I am going to share this skill with you now in case I never write the book.




COCONUTS



CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
GOOD COCONUTS AND BAD COCONUTS ??
 

 

MAYBE THIS WILL HELP............





GOOD COCONUTS



 




 

BAD COCONUTS

HOPE THIS HELPS CLEAR UP ANY CONFUSION !!

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by  almost everything they saw, 
but especially by two, shiny silver walls that  moved.  The boy asked "What is this, Father?" The 
father (never having seen an  elevator) responded,  "Son, I have never seen anything like this in 
my life, I don't know what it  is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a  wheel chair rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into
a small room. The walls  closed and the  boy and his father watched the small circular numbers 
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and
then the  numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally,the walls opened up again and a 
gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old  blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
 
Oh shit! 3
 

Subject: And God said


God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said
*


*

*
"What's a headache?

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then??

When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he???

After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.

"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

 

Oh shit! 4

 

Fishing 

 On Saturday morning I got  up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed
 quietly. I got my  lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage
 to hook up the  boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming
out of the  garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential
downpour.

 There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the  wind is blowing 50mph.
 Minutes later, I returned to the  garage.

I came back into the house and turned the TV  to the weather
channel.  I find it's going to be bad weather all  day long, so I put the
boat back in the garage, quietly  undressed and slipped back into bed.  I cuddled up close to my  wife's back, and quietly whispered,  "The weather out there is  terrible."

To which she sleepily  replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing  in that stuff?"

 

    3 Old Guys

 

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.

"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the

time you stand there and nothing comes out."

 

 "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old.

When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.

You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

 

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
 

 "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

 "No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00.

I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
 

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

 "No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

 

 With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said,

"Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00

and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
 

"I don't wake up until 7:00.

 

A young man wanted to get his beautiful  blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
 
So  he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.  Susie was excited to receive the gift and  simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
 
Susie replied, "I just love it!  It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

 

Here's a one-question IQ test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
 

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.   By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

 

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

 
 
He opens his mouth and says.
"I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
 

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.