Del Vets Humor

 Page 22

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam. Nothing  is moving.  A man knocks on his window.  The driver rolls down the glass and asks "What happened?"
 
The man replies..."Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for $10 million ransom, otherwise they will douse them with gasoline and set them afire.    We are going car to car taking up a collection."  The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"   The man replies, "About a gallon".    

The students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

 
 
Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh to yourself knowing she's
going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used
last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....


But... Wait a minute...
 
 
 
 
At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.
 
Someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. This hot-selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:  "RUN HILLARY RUN".
 
Democrats put it on the rear bumper. 
Republicans put it on the front bumper. 
 
 
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely 
in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, 
champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, 
totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!" 
 
WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.   I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
 
 I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.  So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it  on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.  I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.


 
IRISH BINGO 

  A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright lights of London. She comes home 
6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
   
  "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where 
did ye get that?"

  Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
   
  When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few 
months later.
   
  This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond 
ring.
   
  Same exchange with Mom............same "Won it at bingo!" Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
   
  A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace 
with matching bracelet and earrings.  She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all 
in bingo.   Then she asks her Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
   
  Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom,
there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap
with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run 
me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
   
  "Indade there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?" 
 
 
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to 
go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting 
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in 
the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen

asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with 
something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And 
Always Close To Your Heart!
 
  First-year students at Purdue Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. 
  They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. 
  The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as doctor: 
  The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. 
  For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, with drew it and stuck it in his mouth. 
  "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. 
  The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. 
  But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. 
  When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.  I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. 
  Now learn to pay attention." 
 
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the  receptionist  she  wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will.  The receptionist  suggested  they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office.
 
 "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see  anyone, and  I don't like to go out.  Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" the elderly woman asked.
 
 The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the  spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first  question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like  them to be distributed under your will?"
 
 "I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank," she replied.
 
 "Tell me just how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" the lawyer asked.
 
 "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have
 hardly
 ever  noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on," said the woman."  I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
 
 "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will  certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not  have taken much note of you!" the lawyer exclaimed. "I need to know what  would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
 
 The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married and the fact is I've never slept with a man. So before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once."
 
 "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
 
 That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the  eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could  do around the house with $5,000.  And with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the "service" himself.
 
 The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.  Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow...  she's going to let the county bury her."
 
 
 
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade 
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.  Finally, the counselor gets up, goes 
around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the 
husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, 
"Well, I can drop her off  here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I can't on Fridays, I golf". 
 
 
 

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''

''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

 

 

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the _expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.


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In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the _expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."


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Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the _expression "losing face."


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Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman . as in "straight laced". . . wore a tightly tied lace.
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Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.


Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."


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Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."


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At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."


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“Did you ever go to a party and feel like you just don't fit in ???”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


One more: bet you didn't know this!


In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.


However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper _expression, didn't you.)


 

The question is, What does a 320 pound woman look like?

Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like....


 

Got it?

 



Ready?

 

 

 

 

Not what you were expecting, was it??!!

The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland. She is 7'4" and weighs 320

What a relief!  Now we ALL know we aren't overweight, just too short!

 

Some things you wont see every day! 1

 

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and Like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.  He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had  never had any type of sexual contact with a
live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
 
(you'll love this one...................)
 
 
 
 
 


 
  "Cleanup, Register 5"

 

Something you wont see every day! 2

 

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs! the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f****n' dishes!"


 

Something you wont see every day! 3

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." 
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.


We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
--Aristotle.

 

 

Something you wont see every day! 4

 

14 Reasons To Allow Drinking On The Job

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

 

Something you wont see every day! 5

 

Do you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comedians?  
These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever.  Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


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Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


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Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes


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Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


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Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


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Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


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Q. What are "Do It," "I can help," and "I can't get enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


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Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


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Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


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Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


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Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


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Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


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Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


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Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


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Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


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Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


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Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


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Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


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Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

Something you wont see every day! 6

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her  breasts. Dr. Smith told her,
"Everyday after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She thought this a bit odd but did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?"
"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock".