Del Vets Humor

 Page 23

         

After serious & cautious consideration..... 

 Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the new year 2006.  
It was a very hard decision to make, so try not to screw it up!
 

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."     
    
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 4909 minutes west longitude.  
 
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."     
    
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"     
    
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."     
    
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."     
    
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"     
    
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, tab and fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.
Guy: Cool!
Satan: What about Drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough.

 

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks
St. Peter, "I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth...am I a
white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"


            St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."


            So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra
asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a
black horse with white stripes?"


          God simply replied "You are what you are."


            The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well,
did God straighten out your query for you?"


            The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you
are.'"


            St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it.
You are a white horse with black stripes"


            The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"


            "Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white
stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

 

Sometimes a name change is the best idea...


An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called-and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
 
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling voltage when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but president Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
 
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the  Pope amid stunned silence.
 
The next  morning, the headlines in the New York Times, Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post,  Boston Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee Sentinel- Journal,  Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, San Francisco Chronicle and Wilmington News Journal all proclaim:
 
"Bush Can't  Swim!"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"


"Yes, I know," said the lady. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

 
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
 I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE
 KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER
 HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

Remember these?
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the1930's and '40's.
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
 Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.  They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet...... and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A
 MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma
 Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE
 SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO
 MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH
 WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave


Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt...
          
LIKE ME!
   


and I remember:

Don't stick your elbow
Out so far
It may go home
In another car.
BURMA SHAVE

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
 
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break-up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms & pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23.  90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus: 26:
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.  Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

 

Sharing a profound moment...
 
If you had read the front page story of the SF Chronicle on Thursday, Dec 14, 2005, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.
 
She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body-her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.
 
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her-a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.
 
When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around
....she thanked them.
 
Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never ever be the same.
 
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
The person who started sending this news item around attached the following little homily to it as well. It seems appropriate, in view of the story above, and how meaningful it was to those involved, to leave it attached...
 
"May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate----to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude. I pass this on to you, my friend, in the same spirit."
 
************************
 
AHA!! You didn't think I checked this out, did you???
 
The Whale That Thanked It's Rescuers-Truth!
 
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/g/grateful-whale.htm
 
Summary of the rumor: 

The story of a humpback whale that was wrapped in crab traps and lines near San Francisco, California.  After working long and hard to cut the lines from her, she is said to have rejoiced and returned to "thank" each of the rescuers.
 
The Truth:  According to the San Francisco Chronicle article from December 14, 2005, this story is true.

The whale was spotted by crab fishermen wrapped in the nylon ropes that connect crab traps to each other.  The traps are heavy and the whale was struggling to keep on the surface so it could breathe.

Experts assessed the situation and concluded that the only chance the whale had is if rescuers would actually get into the water with her and cut her bonds one-by-one.  That was risky because any thrashing on the part of the 50-ton animal could be deadly. 

One of the divers, James Moskito, said the whale was peaceful during the hour or so it took him and others to cut the ropes and there was a vibration coming from the whale the whole time. 

Moskito said that when the whale realized it was free it began swimming in circles.  ""It felt to me like it was thanking us, knowing that it was free and that we had helped it,"

Moskito said.,  "It stopped about a foot away from me, pushed me around a little bit and had some fun." 

He said the whale nuzzled him, then swam to each of the other rescuers as well. 

********************************************

NOW GO READ THE STORY AGAIN.....AND DON'T EVER TELL ME THAT THERE IS NO GOD !!!

 

The following "sound bites" were taken off actual police car videos around the country.  There are some pretty funny policemen out there!  I personally like the last one!  Have a good snicker!

  15). "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

  14). "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

  13). "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

  12). "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?  In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

  11). "So you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

  10). "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh! ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor? 

  9). "Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

   8). "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

   7). "Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."

   6). "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

   5). "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

   4). "Just how big were those two beers?"

   3). "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

   2). "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.  At least you know someone who can post your bail."

 And the best one ...

   1). "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
    Internal Revenue Service
    Postal Service
    Telephone Service
    Civil Service
    City & County Public Service
    Customer Service
    Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

BAM!
It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
 

   

WHY MEN DIE FIRST

  

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...but, now we know.

 

 If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race..... you're a male chauvinist.

 

 If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

 

 If you work too hard. there's never any time for her.

 

 If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

 

 If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

 

 If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

 

 If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

 

 If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

 

 If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

 

 If you keep quiet.........it's male indifference.

 

 If you cry............you're a wimp.

 

 If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

 

 If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.

 

 If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

 

 If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy.......  that's domination.

 

 If SHE asks you........it's a favor.

 

 If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.

 

 If you don't.............you're gay.

 

 If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're a sexist.

 

 If you don't................you're unromantic.

 

 If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

 

 If you don't...............you're a slob.

 

 If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.

 

 If you don't...................you're not thoughtful.

 

 If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.

 

 If you aren't...................you're not ambitious.

 

 If she has a headache...........she's tired.

 

 If you have a headache............you don't love her anymore.

 

 If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

 

 If you don't..........there must be someone else.

 

 Men die first because they want to.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school  until you get older. Little things like: being spanked every day by an  attractive middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money  for, later in life."

Elmo Phillips    

---------------------------------------

" It isn't premarital sex  if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

 

-------------------------



"Having sex is like  playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,  you'd better have  a good hand."  

Woody Allen

----------------

 

"Bisexuality immediately  doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."


Rodney Dangerfield    

--------------------

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase  sexual arousal, particularly in women.   Chief  among these  is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."   

Lynn Lavner



------------------------------------

"Sex at age 90 is like  trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia    



------------------------------------------

"Sex is one of the nine  reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."



George Burns   

----------------------------------

"Women might be able to  fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." 



Sharon Stone    

------------------------------------------

"Hockey is a sport for  white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white  men dressed like black pimps."



Tiger  Woods    

-----------------------------------

"My mother never saw the  irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." 



Jack Nicholson

------------------------------------------

"Clinton lied. A man might  forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral  sex,  no matter how bad it is." 

Barbara Bush (Former US  First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had  a sense of  humor)

------------------------------------

"Ah, yes, divorce, from  the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his  wallet."



Robin Williams    

--------------------------------------

"Women need a reason to  have sex. Men just need a place."  

Billy Crystal   

-------------------------------------

"According to a new  survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in  front of  men than  they do undressing in front of other women. They say that  women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just  grateful."  

 

Robert De Niro

 


-------------------------------------

"There's a new medical  crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions  to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the  problem?" 



Dustin Hoffman   


-------------------------------------------

"There's very little  advice in men's magazines, because men think,  'I know what I'm  doing. Just show me somebody naked'."           

Jerry Seinfeld    


-----------------------------------------------

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a  penis, and only enough blood to run one at a  time."      



Robin  Williams   

----------------------------------------

" It's been so long since  I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers   

---------------------------------------

" Bigamy is having one wife  too many. Monogamy is the same." 

Oscar Wilde  

 

 

Interesting Years


                Interesting Year 1981
    1. Prince Charles got married
    2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
    3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
    4. Pope Died

      Interesting Year 2005
    1. Prince Charles got married
    2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
    3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
    4. Pope Died

      Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
 


Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you
cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

*******************************************************
 


A new wives store opened across the street.  It also has six floors.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
 


Christian Humor: Our apologies if this Offends the Liberals

 

1.     There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

=======

2.     "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. 
       
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who     wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

3.     A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

 

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

4.     There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.."

========

5.     While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
        The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

6.     A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
    A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
    "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.  "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

7.     A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.  

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.

"The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

 

========

8.     People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

 

========

9.     A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,  "I know what the Bible means!"  His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"  The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" 

"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========

10.   Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered,

        "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

 

========

11.   The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.  

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.  

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."  

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."  

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."  

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

 

 

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too
hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and
Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next
one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can
be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go
on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

 

 Hilary Clinton was invited to  address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in  upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for  increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she  one day become the first female President.

She referred to her  career as a New York Senator, and how she had signed "YES" for every Indian  issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was  vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her  future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the  conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque  inscribed with her new Indian
name - Walking Eagle.

The proud  Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news  reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to  select the new name given to the
Senator.

They explained that  Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer  fly. 
 

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

        A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don! 't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and
fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! in. As she ran she onceagain began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But pleasedon't shove me either!"

        Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

        An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she  requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

        A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if  you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."

        A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

        At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.

Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway.
She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and
I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called
out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing,
I'm going home to my mother."

 

 

Lessons on Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.


The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.


The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.


The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.


Moral lessons:


Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.

Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.

 

Hangovers
If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate. Guess you had to have been there one time or another..........

One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruit pancake from the 3:00 AM Denny's excursion. There is
some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover(***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.  You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke. --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are still a little drunk. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt
to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

 

 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.  
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.     
 The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school