Del Vets Humor

 Page 24

The Knob

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful The woman remained young looking and vibrant. 
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems:  First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!

 

MEXICAN EARTHQUAKE -- 

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
 
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.  
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies! .
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans. 
 
God Bless America

 

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy" " At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

Menís restroom gets a mural on the wall

We all know that women have been held back and underpaid in the workplace. Edge designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women execs....


The result...well....We all know that men never talk ...never look at each other...and never laugh much in the restroom....
The men's room is a serious and quiet place...But! now with the addition of one mural on the wall...letís just say the men's
restroom is a place of laughter and smiles....

 

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?"  The barber looked around the shop full of  customers and said, "About 2  hours". The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the  door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked  around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later  the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can  get a haircut?"  The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and half."  The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a  favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he  has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back"  A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.  The barber asked," So where does that guy go when he leaves?"  Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house

 


Because she smells like a new truck!

 

 

A young guy from Texas moves to Colorado and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" 

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?

The kid says, "One." 

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job!
How much was the sale for?" 

The kid says, "$212,237.64." 

The boss says, "$212,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" 

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pickup. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the
RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck." 
 
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?" 

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!'" 

 

She was in  the kitchen doing the soft boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in the kitchen.

She says,  "you've got to make love to me this very moment."

He, thinking  it's his lucky day, obliges her on the kitchen table.

Afterwards he says, "what was that all about?"

She says...the egg timer's broken ...
 
 
A 5-year-old boy went to  visit his grandmother one day.  Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,  
he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied,  "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in  my bedroom and watch it all day long. The  religious 
programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.  I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and  the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. 
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The  little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said,  "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied,
"Yeah, she's in the bedroom  bangin' her boyfriend." The  minister fainted.
 
 
 
 
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So,the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

 

 
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY 

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! 

I thought the results were pretty interesting: 

25% of women think their ass is too fat... 

10% of women think their ass is too skinny... 

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, 
and they would have married him anyway. 
 
 
 

Husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
 
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her hard, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I play golf."

 

FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in  your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,   it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
 
RED NECK POOL PARTY IN THE BACK YARD



                ***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
 
RED NECK TUBING



                  ***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1 A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
 
RED NECK VARMINT HUNT



             ***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one' s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of  toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods



               ***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been  wanting to go out with you since I read that stuffon the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some Will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday."   If the latter is the answer, it is the 
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."



                        ***WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a Cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.



                 ***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest Tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct ape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, epecially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a  funeral procession.



***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.
 
More Redneck Humor
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

18. You can't remember what is under the blue tarp in the front of your house.
 

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought, as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem", thought the man, and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 120, 140 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. "If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

 
 

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, a

well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

I would like to see Valerie.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that

she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled

out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they

went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

 

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see

Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights

in a row, because she was too expensive and there were no discounts.

The price was still $5,000.
 

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

 

After an hour, he left.

 

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that

he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they

went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.

Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.

She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2.Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

THE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL
 

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count
to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, its because you're 27."

 

 

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

 

  The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for 
  joy!  
She said, "I have some really great news!" 

 I said, "Great.  Tell me why you're so happy." 

 She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily From all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! 

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great!  I couldn't be happier for you!" 

Then she said, "There's more." 

 I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" 


She said, "Well, we are not having just one Baby.  We are going to have TWINS!" 

Amazed at how she could know so soon after Getting pregnant, I  asked Her how she knew. 

She said... "Well, that was the easy part.  I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home 
Pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.  Both tests came out Positive".

 

 

Hi Ya'll.....

  At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."  

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

  Then I heard these terms which reference the word
SERVICE:

  Internal Revenue
Service
  Postal
Service
  Telephone
Service
  Civil
Service
  City & County Public
Service
  Customer
Service
 
Service Stations

  Then I became confused about the word "
service."   This is not what I thought "service" meant.

  So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "
service" a few of his cows.  BAM!  It all came into perspective.  Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

  I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
 
 
 

The 5th of May


Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo".

 

 

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.  One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.  Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr.  Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr.  Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only ten years old..  Where will you two live?"
 
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room.  It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
 
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.  Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
 
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..  Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make ten bucks a week.  That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
 
By this time Mr.  Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this.  He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.  After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.  I just have one more question for you.  What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
 
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far.."
 
Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore.

 

 

ROLLER COASTER
 
Admission to the fun park............$25.00
Pop corn and a soda at the refreshment stand...........$5.00
Paint on tattoo..................$3.00

A set of implants that can handle 5 G's on a roller coaster and still
look firm...

Priceless...

 

 

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss ... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A friend said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,
"Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

 

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt