Reporters and a U.S. Army Ranger ANOTHER VERSION: Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Army LRRP/ Ranger were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded . Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili. " The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully. Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Ranger, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Ranger. "What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Ranger. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Ranger went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his rucksack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Ranger was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?" "What," replied the Ranger, "and have you three Assholes report that I was the aggressor?
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry
the perfect woman so they
could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his
mission to the
Redneck and asked
for permission to
marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the Second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck… "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size14-16. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo and your NRA magazines. 3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: " Hey Bubba: Big Mike, Slim, Tiny and I went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pitbulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but I locked all four of them in the house. Better wait outside."
Keep the Motor RunningThe marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year
old woman was the talk of the town. After
being married a year, the couple went
to the hospital for the birth
of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery
room to congratulate the old gentleman
and said, "This is amazing. How do
you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got
to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the
hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending this
delivery and again went out to
congratulate the old
She said, "Sir, you are something else.
How do you do it?"
The old man grinned and said, "You
gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital
for the birth of their third child. The same nurse
was there for this birth and after the delivery
she approached the old gentleman, smiling,
and said, "Well, you surely are
something else. How do
you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before,
you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, said to the old gentleman,
"Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.
This one's black."
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when your calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself
Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the
right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long
graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and
figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag
of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, anything you
want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,but for an outside line you need to press 9."
YOU GOTTA LOVE A...New York Women A woman from New York and another from the West coast were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New York, being friendly and all, said: "So, where are you from?" The West coast woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The woman from New York sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where are you from, BITCH?"
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IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND (INTER RACIAL MARRIAGES REALLY CAN WORK) BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPP
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip.
I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*?
Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied my self to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and 'who-ha' are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.....
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
When the man at the auto repair shop told me that it would cost $1400 to fix my car's air conditioning, I just laughed at him and said, "I can fix it myself for a whole lot less than that!" MY MOMMA DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL !!!!!!! GENERATOR = $200 AIR CONDITIONER = $150 INSTALLING THEM IN YOUR RAGGEDY CAR = PRICELESS!!
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to Tammy and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" Tammy replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
LATEST POLLING SHOWS:
Forty-three percent of all Americans say
that illegal immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"