Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe--Moe."
"Who is it?" asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there
THE PANTS -ADVICE FOR A GOOD MARRIAGE
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to
your mother, and said, "Here - try these on."
She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them." I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here-you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
WHEN I WAS MARRIED 55 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 55 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND."
NOW WE HAVE A $1.500,000.00 HOME, A $95,000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 75-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mo ther taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Bad hair day!
what are we going to do next, shoot some pool?
I am a crack dealer in
All things considered, my problem is this.
I love my fiance and look forward to bringing
her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?
Worried About My Reputation
You gotta love Robin Williams......Even if he's nuts!
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect
plan. What we need
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!!
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit !!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friend s here Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
Are you sure this is how Picasso started?
THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
At 4 a.m.
the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding
They apologized to the old man and left.That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
This could be me in a few years
This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F**k," the Rottweiler ate him!"
OH HELL NO...... I ended up with a nice woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 62-year-old. We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a dance and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked." "It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.I said, "No." We drank a bit more and then, she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Windows Vista 2007 - Da Brooklyn edition Dear Consumas: It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the Windows Vista 2007 Brooklyn Edition may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Brooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS Vista 2007 ," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza When you start da program, instead of da usual harpy, stringy music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. PLEASE ALSO NOTE: Recycle Bin is labeled " Staten Island ." My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa." The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk." Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out." Control Panel is known as "Da Bosses." Performing an "i l legal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down. Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour." Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis"pops up. CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION: OK...................Sure ting Cancel...........Fugetaboutit Reset.............Start Ova Yes.................Yeah No...................Nah Find...............Put a contract out on Browse..........Get a looksee Back...............U-toin Help................Help ain't available. Yous don't need no stinkin' help Stop.................Knock it off Start.................Move it! Settings..........Here's d' Rules We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. Yous got a problem wit dat? Sincerely, Billy ~4 eyes~ Gates
Did the Prince Fart! You be the Judge:
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done. Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth ???
Somebody's little princess!
LITTLE GIRL'S FIRE TRUCK A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little Ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the Middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being Pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied The wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to Run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster. " The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but Then I wouldn't have a siren."
Two Ozark farmers Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic." "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a obviously a queer."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps you r radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" .. "Only when he's been drinking."
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, They'll stretch after you wear them a while. # 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you. #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven" #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS.... #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.Sign here."
The Seamstress One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked. 'Yes,' cried the seamstress The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. Signed, All Us Women
Woman walks into an accountant's office in Texas
and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, what is
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that".
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she
kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled
Back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little
sunshine Into someone's day, he went
to pay for his Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and
I can't figure out how to
get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What
is it supposed to be when
finished?" The blonde says, "According to
the picture on the box, it's
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed........
TO: GOD FROM: THE DOG Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"? Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,is he still a bad dog? Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog. 1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar. 4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. 5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello". 8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after. 10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt. 11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch. 12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "dumb ass" afterwards."
Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel when you shoot a Terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "A slight recoil." (Hard to fault a Marine who is that eloquent)