Del Vets Humor

 Page 27

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
"The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
"The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Whats the diference between a whore with diareah and an epilectic farmer shucking corn?
Well .. the farmer shucks between fits and....

Why NFL players need to

keep their names short ...........

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way.

 I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

<><><><><><><><><>

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.


---------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."


*********************
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

Why parents drink!!!!!!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with achild's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," Whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ,"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ,"
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ,"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", Whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter "Answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.  
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME." 

 

If your idea of loading the dishwasher means gettin' your wife drunk,
If you've been divorced four times and you still have the same in-laws,
If you ask your best girl to go to a wedding and she shows up in a tube top,
If mowing your lawn reveals your ownership of 12 rusted-out trucks,
If you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year",
If you walk your son to school because you're in the same class,
If your favorite place to cruise for women is at family reunions,
If your rich uncle invites you over to his new house to help him take the wheels off of it,
If your mother doesn't bother to remove the Marlboro from the corner of her mouth as
   she tells the state trooper that he can kiss her a**,
If you pass by a billboard that says "Say No to Crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants,


...you might be a redneck

 

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the shit out of me. So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

 


 
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose  from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
 
Osama responded,
"You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?  I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
 
The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three  American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
 
The next morning
Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
 
God is Good

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.  He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.  Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

After tying the man's
 wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, APPEARS TO kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.  Look at his clothes!  He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.  I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...  do whatever he tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much he disgusts
 you.  This guy is obviously very dangerous.  If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.  
Be strong, honey.  I love you."

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.  He was whispering in my ear
 
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.  I told him it was
  above the sink in the bathroom.  Be strong honey.  I love you, too

 

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still co llect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anyth ing spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first p lace is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

 

PRESIDENT IN 2008?

 Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008..


 For those of you who would like a
choice for President, we have a solution: It is probably time we have a highly qualified woman as President. One choice is a very special lady who has the answers to all our problems.

 PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment...



MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!


 

Very eloquently put ... Don't you think?


  Maxine on "Driver Safety". "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."...

 Maxine on "Housework"
 "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

 Maxine on "Lawn Care"
"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

 Maxine on "The Perfect Man"  "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away.. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

 Maxine on "Technology Revolution"
"My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

 Maxine on "Aging"
"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
  "I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."




 "The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals
."

 "The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."


 "To err is human;
 to forgive, highly unlikely."
  "Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?? (Now that's scary!)"

 "Money can't buy happiness--but Somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

 "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere ... You may be dead."

J "You don't stop laughing when you get old,
 
you get old when you stop laughing!!" J
 

I was  walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.  
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'  
'No,  I had to stop drinking years ago' , the homeless woman told me.
 
'Will  you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I  asked.
'No,  I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.    'I  need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'  
'Will  you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I  asked.
'Are  you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman.  ' I haven't  had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,'  I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.  Instead,  I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband  and me tonight.'  
The homeless woman was shocked "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing hat? I know I'm dirty, and  I probably smell pretty disgusting.'  
I said, 'That's okay.  It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine'.

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . and that's when the fight started . . .

 He puts his hand in the flour and then wipes it all over his face.

 "Mamacita, look, I'm a white boy."His mom slaps his face and says, "Go show your father."He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Papacita, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says,"Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

 His mother says, "What did you learn from that? "The boy replies, "I have only been white for five minutes and already I don't like you damn Mexicans! "

We all know that Moms love to dress up their kids.

But when Dad is a graphic designer, anything is possible..
 
It  all started out with the innocent baby picture  below... 

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

 For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
 us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but
 the Indian Embassy in D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

 When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
 her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
 has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
 the U.S. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering
 telephones, giving technical advice.

First Day on the Job

 
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide the wife will become a hooker...
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, 'Just stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.  Tell him it cost a hundred bucks.  If you've got a question,  I'll be parked around the corner.'
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, 'How much?   She says, 'A hundred dollars.' He says 'Drats!  All I've got is thirty.'  She says,'Hold on.' She runs back to Harry and says,  'What can he get for thirty dollars?'  Harry says, 'A hand job'.  She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE member.  She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.' 
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'

 

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" 

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 Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. 

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. 

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. 

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Coca-Cola was originally green. 

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It is impossible to lick your elbow. 

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: 

Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) 

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 

61,000 

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. 

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: 

Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar 

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. 

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? 

A. Their birthplace 

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession 

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? 

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? 

A. All were invented by women. 

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? 

A. Honey 

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? 

A. Father's Day 

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. 

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." 

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." 

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" 

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. 

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! 

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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

 

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...  

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

 

Life at the Florida Mobile Home Park

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So. you're single..."
~~~~~~~~~~

Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she ans wered "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or
did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." T hen she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.", Morris replied..
To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!!'
~~~~~~~~~~

A little old man shuffled slowly into the " Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."


 
        WOMAN'S POEM
 Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks 
before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed, Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and
 begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, 
And always be my very best friend.
        MAN'S POEM 
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge hooters, who owns a liquor store and a golf course. 
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it  all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives

who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I  was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.  What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.  Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All 
they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I 
will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to 
stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads 
and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females 
said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Putthose beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

A husband and wife were scheduled to attend a Halloween party. The wife
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party
alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by her not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain,
and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband
didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun
by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there.'

Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll tell you; I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other guy, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your
brother, Apparently he had the time of his life!


 
Dave works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi "Davey, want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.  Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

One day Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.  He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
 
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil.  'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.  I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place.  I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
 
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
 
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.  Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing.  Such was his fate in hell.
 
'No,' Jesse said, 'I don't think so.  I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
 
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
 
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.  All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time..
 
'No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder.  I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented
Jesse.
 
The devil opened a third door.
 
Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.  Bent over him
was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
 
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
 
The devil smiled and said . . . . .. . .
 

'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'
 
 
DUI PA STYLE

Only a person in PENNSYLVANIA could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in  PA
after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol
at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
 
How quickly the years pass......